Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Peacefulness and Introspection, Response to my mother's comment

I sense a feeling of introspection and peacefullness in this blog. Not sure how it pertains to me but it always saddens me when you feel such anger towards me. Regardless of the anger you express I will always love you and I will always feel sad that you suffer so at times.
By Marsha on Dreams and Nightmares at 5:34 AM

What many people don't understand is what may exist behind the smile, behind the jokester, prankster.  I don't know if it's a suffering at times.  I believe that people get tired of the struggle and find resting points.  The problem is that if you don't do the active work with the problem, it never truly goes away.  The problem is that if the problem was intensely during the formative years of childhood, maybe you can't do much towards changing the after effects during adulthood.  I've always been introspective.  I believe that's what has saved me.  That's also what hurts me so much hurting you.  Because I also know some of what you've gone through and I understand the need to not feel those things, to not even touch those things with a poker...  Being a sensitive and introspective person does not negate the being a horribly angry, resentful and rageful person, who spent so many years of his life taking that rage out upon himself because he couldn't truly fight the people who were hurting him since they always had such the upper hand; double, triple handicaps.  Two or three against one...  8 or 12 against one...  What are the odds?  But what I just don't understand is why no one on your team wants to understand this... I am not ill.  If I'm writing about racism I may use the word "nigger" or "spick" or "kike" or "dago".  I'm writing about a real experience within which I play a role.  That experience hasn't fully terminated nor has it played itself out fully because some people deny their part and deny the validity of how I experience it, how it has shaped my life in such dissapointing and frustrating ways.  And if I fall because one of you pushed me, everyone says that I don't know how to walk...  That said, you talked to me so much in high school about "coping skills".  Back then I couldn't accept what you said because I was just too damn overwhelmed by the physical/psychological experience to be able to understand concepts.  However, not once did I forget those conversations and how important is that concept if I could finally grasp it.  Sometime after breaking up with Randi I started developing coping skills for coping with my own personal frustration with myself. What are those coping skills?  They are the finding things I enjoy doing for passing time constructively, for relaxing the mind, for productively distracting myself, for transforming negative energy into positive energy, for finding talents within myself that build my own esteem.  For finding ways of creating silence and peace within my mind, such as reading and painting...  Long walks, exploring all the different ethnic neighborhoods of New York City, looking for recipes, running, dancing, the Nordic Trac, biking, painting, cooking, drawing, reading, seeking out interesting people, staying away from televisions and alcohol...  And, would you believe I ended those 24-27 years of insomnia? without the assistance of psycho therapists...  But, as I've told you, I can't change those people who maintain their same paradymns with me, the same form of relating towards me that they carried with them towards me since I was a child.  Having to be in contact with them, hearing the same tones and the same reactions is not only oppressive, it creates a horrible ragefulness towards them:  HOW DARE THEY RELATE TOWARDS ME THIS WAY/HOW DARE THEY CLOSE THEIR MINDS TO MY WORDS, TO MY EXPERIENCE. I'm not a hateful person.  I'm not anti-Social and so far from being a psychopath.  I prefer the natural disappearance from my life of those incurable, ignorant and distructive people.  What is the easiest way of their disappearing?  Having them walk away.  I left for Mexico but continued receiving their emails and their comments.  Because deep down I wanted a different relationship with them, I held onto those threads that floated down from Arizona, New York and New Jersey.  But, when things became so difficult for Margarita and I in 2005 an 2006, those people showed their true colors and I realized that all was the same as it always had been.  So I burned those threads.  It's not that I'm not forgiving.  It's that I've offered so many opportunities to the other people and they continue repeating their paradymns. Being too forgiving, too accepting makes one feel bien pendejo, makes one feel incredibly foolish, stupid, tonto. Since they created economic stability which rewards them with positions of respect within the family, they will always have the upper hand and will always have you and everyone else taking their side against me, since I am the one who did not enter their socially acceptable mold.  You understand this. If I don't have the money for paying my part of the vacation, for being able to buy a house, for being able to throw the New Years Party, for being able to pay for the dinner, I'm always that outcast. So, if I ask for financial assistance in the form of a loan not in the form of a gift as I had in 2006, I am a leach, an imposition.  What good is this relationship?  And I don't believe for a moment that being a corporate office manager or a corporate writer or a computer programmer or a pharmaceutical salesperson is the equivalent of happiness.  Margarita mentioned that I had been warning of Marc and Beth's impending divorce for years.  She asked me yesterday if anyone gives me credit for warning about the signs; How I said, first the first baby, then the house, then the Volvo, then the second baby, material distractions as signs of improved marital quality.  However, I knew that Marc was so unhappy with himself and he projected that unhappiness or disatisfaction upon Beth, the relationship and upon other people...  I saw the first signs at his bachelor party and heard it in what he said to me about my Joey...  So, when they divorced, I wasn't surprised.  I like Marc.  But I think he is incredibly weak, which can be very distructive for a marriage and for parenthood.  I didn't want that for Randi and I and the children we would have brought into the world. So, I am condemned to the family's consternation and incriminations, accusations...  And don't believe for a moment that if someone didn't say a specific word to you, that means that that person doesn't say those words, nor think those thoughts.  There are many forms of communicating the same ideas and attitudes.  I can receive a person warmly and enthusiastically with a handshake and a hug and truly despise that person within.  Social-politics, social images...  Group behavior... When we offer samples of our frappe or when we offered samples of our cupcakes in the past, when one person says "No Thank you" for others to hear, the rest of the people walking in file say the same thing with the same tone and the same facial expression.  If the first person receives my offering with negativity, I wait for the passing of the following 3 or 4 people before offering another sample...  I must do the same thing with my sisters, cousins and aunts. With you it's so much more complicated as you know, and that's where there is such a horrible conflict because it's not so easy as saying words and walking away or creating your walking away...  And this will be the subject of my next writing about unconditional love and what does that truly mean...  This comment will be posted since it is too long for the comment box.  Ross

No comments: