Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Concept of Intention; Conversations with a Past Life May 22

For me, the concept of “intention” is almost as important as the concept of “action”… You may do things that seem respectable or admirable, but it’s possible that your true intention was not so admirable. I also believe that intention is greatly subconscious. You may ask, “for me to know that I’m being truly conscious and responsible with my action, must I consult a psycho-analyst?” Absolutely not. I believe, after all the human atrocities we’ve seen and heard pass in our lives and modern or not so modern history, we should concentrate on being as introspective possible. At a less extreme level, think about the divorce rate over the past 3 decades. Had the people been a little more conscious of their true intentions or motives for “hooking up” in the first place, maybe they wouldn’t have married. But this also relies upon a strong value system. But then the question arises, “who’s values? What values?” Some people believe that hitting your wife is a sign of love and affection… Others believe that a periodic lynching is good for the society… Those are value systems… You may say, “if I spend so much time thinking about my subconscious motives, I’ll never have a relationship…” Maybe you would have less. Maybe you wouldn’t marry to be divorced later on. You would spare your children and you and your spouse a ton of unnecessary conflict. Then again, with introspection, maybe you got married for the wrong reasons or without reasons. But, later on, when you are in conflict, you are better able to come to terms with the issues and not hurt anyone unnecessarily. Maybe you can put things into perspective for you and for your spouse and accept the situations you created and avoid creating other situations.

We must try and understand how we are such the product of a modern consumer/disposable and high stimulous society. How does that affect our relationships? How does that affect our decisions, our reactions, our needs, our concerns?

I’m writing about this because I constantly hit a wall in my writing to you, to myself: Truthfully, what are my intentions? What were my intentions? Why did I do this? What is, what was the motivation? Where am I trying to go with this? Every day I wish to shut this down for some form of shame. “Who do you think you are?...” “To explain the reasons why and how you ended up in Mexico you will simultaneously be a hero and a fool?” Why the fool? Because, the base of what could cause me to leave the U.S. is that of never having created economic or social stability. To exonerate myself from culpability for that economic or social instability, I must take you to my childhood. And then I feel that that sounds like a bunch of whining. Plus, the question is, “what is the story: my childhood, my young adult years, or Mexico?” Well, that’s the problem. What is the story? And I believe it’s a story of success that crosses decades; it’s a story of comparison and contrast, revelation… There are many stories in one. But the question is, “why must I write this? For who? Truthfully, what is behind this? What are my intentions? What am I doing here in Mexico? What am I doing here in this computer?”

Because I’m not inventing, writing fiction, the stories are greatly dependent upon the quality and force of my memories… My perspective and my personal relationship towards my life in Mexico and towards Mexico has changed greatly over the years. I don’t live in fantasy. The inspirational energy created by the fantasy of discovering or entering a new world fuels good writing… I’m not a writer. A writer is someone who must write, like eating or breathing… The writer writes any moment they can… I’m lazy in that aspect. I need a reason to write, probably the problem of having 5 planets in Virgo… very cerebral. At times it seems that my mind is a large ball of twine, with all it’s knots…

I’m am the first person to criticize myself. I know when there is something wrong… I’m a perfectionist. I don’t let be alone… That makes me very imperfect. This is not an apology. I’m just trying to untangle. But, what if it can’t be untangled? What if it doesn’t matter?

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