Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Duodenal Polyps, Fibrocystic Breasts, Diet, Doctors, Cancer and Death

8.5 years ago I had my last upper endoscopy.  The endoscopy revealed gastritis, duodenitis, a hiatal hernia and two ulcers in the entrance of my stomach.  At the same time I was experiencing inflamation of the gallbladder and had an ultrasound done that revealed many gallstones.  It was suggested that I have my gallbladder removed.  However, I didn't have the money for the surgery.  

As you know, for some reason I decided upon investigating alternative routes for healing myself and subsequently removed the gallstones from my gallbladder without removing another organ from my body.  I also cured myself of gastritis.  Today, my abdomin feels totally tranquil.

That said...

Today I went for my first upper endoscopy in 8.5 years.  I was greatly surprised that they would put me under, since the other two endoscopies were performed with me awake and feeling the movement and some discomfort.  Hence, I've been feeling pretty bad all day due to the anaesthesia...

The doctor found polyps in my duodenum and took two biopsies.  We will meet with him on Monday for going over the results.  What he didn't find were ulcers in my stomach.  I didn't have the presence of mind for asking about the hiatal hernia.

What does all of this mean?  

It's too early to say.

Last week Margarita went to the doctor and found that, if she lived in the U.S., she would fall into the group of more than 50% of American women with fibrocystic breasts...  The doctor called it "Fibrocystic Breast Disease"...  and talked about an extensive diet for reducing the risk of increased inflamation, fibrosis and breast cancer...  I informed her that the Mayo Clinic claims that first, fibrocystic breasts isn't a disease, second, there is no increased of breast cancer with fibrocystic breasts and third, they only mention the possible need for decreasing the consumption of caffeine and fats if the woman feels too much discomfort and wishes for decreasing the inflamation.  I asked the doctor if she knew of the Mayo Clinic, and she pointed to two very large books published in Spanish by them... on a very small bookshelf...  So, my conclusion is that Margarita's doctor is using outdated information.  That same night of the meeting with Margarita's doctor I went back onto the internet to check on why she would tell Margarita not to eat sunflower seeds since they are the number 1 source for Vitamin E and the doctor's recommendation is taking Vitamin E suppliments (in Mexico there is no guarantee that the suppliments you buy actually have what they say is in the bottle; Mexico is a dumping ground for what doesn't or can't be sold in 1st world countries).  Half the "experts" claim that seeds and nuts and other foods of plant origins are bad for women with fibrocystic breasts due to certain estrogen-like plant hormones.  This includes coffee, chocolate, tea...  and much much more.  The argument is that the human body reacts to the plant estrogen as its very own, causing the system to respond as if the woman has produced more estrogen.  However, the main advocate of this restrictive preventative diet claims that there is one exception: Flaxseeds.  While flaxseeds also have an estrogen-like hormone, the numbers are low enough for it to actually be helpful.  But, addititional is additional.  If the woman's fibrocystic breast issue was related to too much estrogen being produced by her, then even just a little more should be bad.  Margarita's hormone levels are normal.  So, what does this mean about her fibrocystic breasts?  But, back to the flaxseeds:  Studies were shown that women diagnosed with breast cancer who consumed a certain amount of flaxseeds revealed a dramatic decrease in tumor size between the diagnosis and the mastectomy.

Udo Erasmus explains in his extremely indepth book, "Fats that Heal; Fats that Kill", that flaxseed oil is very effective as an anti-inflamatory.  It's not so much flaxseed as it is Omega 3 fatty acid that you need for producing HDL cholesterol.  The "Paleos" argue that vegetable derived Omega 3 is very difficult for converting to HDL in the human body.  I looked into that last June and realized that they had a point... The process is more complex than eating Salmon, Mackerel or Trout, since that Omega 3 is converted directly and completely... However, each fish is different (King Mackerel should be avoided, Pacific or Chub Mackerel has more or less Omega 3 than Atlantic or Spanish Mackerel, and farm-raised salmon, which is basically what is on the market, has less Omega 3 because they are being fed non-ocean based feed usually prepared with grains such as soy beans and not with plankton and other vegetable sources high in Omega 3; The Washington State Department of Health mentions that the manufacturers of Omega 3 suppliments are widely turning from fish origins of the fatty acid to plant origins... meaning that you will find yourself in the same predicament as you would have been using Flaxseed oil.)  

In June, I created an equation for being able to receive from ground flaxseeds the equivalent HDL converted Omega 3 as is being recommended with fish origins and concluded that one must ingest minimally 5 tbs of ground flaxseeds  per day.  That person must also maintain an adequate intake of Vitamins E, C, B3 and B6 along with the minerals Zinc and Magnesium.  Not a bad idea considering the importance of these nutrients for other health related issues, especially with the immune system.  Magnesium is necessary for the production of Vitamin D in the Kidneys, which is necessary for a healthy immune system, prevention of cancer along with mantenance of a healthy blood pressure among many other things...  So, it's not such a bad idea making one aspect of your diet a little more complicated...  

Since June we've been fluctuating between ingesting ground flaxseeds and eating Pacific Mackerel. During that period my HDL cholesterol soared.  But, that increase could also be attributed to running over 5 hours or 25 miles per week...  During the intense work of October, not only did I stop running, but I didn't have time to go to the fish market and I stopped ingesting ground flaxseeds.  Sometime during September I noticed a bump on my wrist that increased greatly during October.  It turns out that I have a harmless synovial cyst.  When I read about Flaxseed oil for Fibrocystic Breasts and Breast cancer, Margarita and I immediately returned to ingesting ground flaxseeds.  In less than 4 days injesting Flaxseeds, we were surprised to notice that the Synovial Cyst on my wrist decreased at least 50%.  Udo Erasmus claims that flaxseed oil not only is anti-inflamatory but it causes the tissues to release excess water...  He mentions a woman who lost 80 pound ingesting 5 tbls pure flaxseed oil.  I don't know if he explains during what time period. 

When we were with Margarita's breast specialist doctor, I asked her how "they" know exactly what it is that causes inflamation or disinflamation and how they isolate one thing from another.  On her list of restrictions is fatty-food and general fat sources... along with cola-sodas (not Sprite, Slice, Fanta etc) almonds etc.  But, what is not on her list is sugary products.  I asked her to specify what types of fat, because that is important and not all fats cause inflamation... And I mentioned the connection between Diabetes and Breast Cancer; she acknowledged the 3 fold increase in breast cancer among diabetic women.  But, why doesn't she mention restricting sugar intake in non-breast cancerous/non-diabetic women?  If I am correct, the diagnosis of Type II diabetes generally occurs in the person's late forties, although the "experts" claim that the person is diabetic up to 10 years before being diagnosed.  So, one should think that greatly decreasing the woman's sugar and refined carbs intake well before being diagnosed with diabetes and/or breast cancer would be in order.  

As I believe you know, my Vitamin D is dropping as is the angle of the sun and my outdoor exercise intensity since September.  And I've entered into some research into alternative ways of increasing Vitamin D and what issues develop with Vitamin D deficiencies...  Along with this, I've been reading some about Vitamin A and Omega 3.  What I've found is that along with Vitamin E and Vitamin C, deficiencies of one or more mimic deficiencies of others...  And many of these nutrients are inter-related.  During my readings over the past 9+ months I've also noticed that glucose competes with Vitamin C for absorption and has been connected with inflamation.  Like Vitamin D, Vitamin C deficiency has been linked to hypertension and heart disease...  Imbalances in Omega 6 from too much commercial vegetable oils in the diet blocks the affects of Omega 3, leading to inflamation, heart disease and Alzheimers Disease...  And in order to convert plant-based Omega 3 to HDL cholesterol you must have sufficient levels of Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Magnesium (and Zinc, B3 and B6).   Have I lost you or are you understanding my point?

Exercise is wonderful.  But, studies have shown that excess causes a drain on the immune system; that running more than 1 hour per day or more than 1 marathon per month puts the runner at great risk of heart failure...  Why would excess exercise cause a drain on the immune system?  Maybe it causes excess usage of essential stored nutrient (those stored in fat cells) or the flushing out of water soluable nutrients and the athletes aren't compensating for their losses because no one thought about those issues... 

And I'm wondering if the doctors aren't considering the relationship between excess refined carb consumption and the developement of triglycerides (fat) and chronic inflamation.  Maybe coffee and almonds and other seeds (plant hormones) and non-industrial fats have nothing to do with fibrocystic breasts.  

But what does this have to do with my Duodenum and the upper endoscopy?  

Surgery (removal of polyps) and prescription anti-inflamatories will be recommended.  The doctor also mentioned repeatedly my high blood pressure and cardiology...  During the summer, my BP was normal... when we were subject to a lot of direct sunlight and we were excersizing 1.5 hours per day (the run was between 1 and 1.2 hours) before my vitamin D began dropping...  Vitamin C, Vitamin A, Vitamin E, Vitamin D and Omega 3 amongst other nutrients such as Selenium are anti-Inflamatories... 

Quick fixes aren't required.  What is required is increased education and consciousness.

10 years ago a doctor in Xalapa told me that I would have a massive heart attack within 3-5 years.  I sent the data to my Uncle Henry in NYC who responded that he didn't see predictors of a massive heart attack.  And here I am...  

Margarita doesn't have elevated levels of hormones, nor does she have a history of breast cancer in her family...  Since 2009 she experiences reactions to dairy and wheat products.  But, those reactions aren't felt in he breasts but in her articulations, mainly below her hips.  Not one doctor diagnosed her.  In all of my reading back then I suggested that it was related to rheumatoid arthritis that hadn't developed enough to be diagnosable...  

"You are diabetic up to 10 years before you are diagnosed..."  

I have the gene for FAP/Gardners Syndrome.  I have never developed cancer.... because they removed my colon well before I would have developed cancer of the colon.  However, we know that FAP or Gardners means that other rare cancers can pop up...  Cancer of the Bile duct, Adrenal Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, brain, stomach, thyroid, duodenal...  4% of FAP/Gardner's people develop cancer of the Duodenum.  25% of FAP/Gardner's diagnosed with polyps in the Duodenum develop cancer there...  I'm 45-years-old.  If I'm correct, I was diagnosed with polyps in my small intestine in 2001.  However, for some strange reason the GastroEnterologist decided to wait until I was having my J-Pouch connected 3 months after the original surgery to suggest, while I was in the hospital, staying a few days more so that he could remove those polyps.  I informed him that I had no money or insurance and he left my room...  It is 13 years later.  The gastroenterologist in Xalapa 9 years ago didn't mention polyps in my small intestine.  Maybe they come and go...?  Maybe he missed something.  Maybe the Gastroenterologist in New York City was up to some dirty tricks for making easy money.  And how did he know I was in that hospital during that short date?  And why weren't we informed of that need months earlier?

If you were a doctor, what would you job be?

Would it be your job to adequately inform your patient?

If you were God, what would your job be?

Well, regarding issues of life and death, one of your responsibilities would be to have everyone die at some point in their lives...  

I'm alive.  My responsibility is to live as well as possible while I have that capacity.  Maybe no one truly knows how one becomes fataly ill and how to truly prevent that illness.  Why did Beth develop thyroid cancer and I didn't?  But will I?  Only 1 in 4 people with polyps in their duodenum will develop cancer there.  Why? or Why not?  Flaxseed Oil has been shown to decrease greatly tumors.  Vitamin D deficiency has been related to more illnesses than you can imagine.  However, aside from supplementing adequately in 1st World nations, how do people who do not work in the sun prevent themselves from becoming deficient, especially if there exist almost NO natural food sources for Vitamin D.  And most people in the pre-modern world did NOT eat Mackerel or Red Snapper...  And it seems to me that fresh cheese (not aged or processed) and hen's eggs don't offer you the amount of vitamin D that the experts recommend: 2,000-5,000 IUs per day or 39-99 eggs or 13-39 cups of cheese...  So, it seems to me that based upon all of this information, we as people should be experience the horrible facets of Vitamin D deficiency for well beyond the time we've been working in offices, factories and comercial outlets.  And, if you worked on the farm, you worked covered up with a wide-brim hat, long pants and long sleeves.  If you wore short sleeves, you still didn't have enough of your body uncovered to generate enough Vitamin D.  The 200 year old styles of the Amish and the Hassidim was the clothing style of everyone 200 years ago.  Because people didn't bathe regularly (especially in the cities), they covered up their stench with clothing, especially if they couldn't afford the expensive perfumes...  Vitamin D deficiency couldn't be a new issue.  It's a new diagnosis... and "we're" still eating fortified commercial food products... if not more...  

It must be something else.

Something is blocking the absorption, or competing for the absorption or causing the filtering out of our bodies of our essential nutrients or...  something is causing us to need more and more and more of those nutrients than ever...  

But, if the doctors are seemingly blatantly foolish... and the scientists only investigate what is paid for...  Who has the money and the interest for bankrolling the investigation?

In Mexico, there aren't FAP/Gardners/J-Pouch specialists...  Does the syndrome not exist here?

Mexico is #1 in the world in obesity and way up there in diabetes and sugar consumption.  It is home to the #1 international bakery, and the #1 consumer of Coca Cola products in the world...  But, NO ONE talks about drastically decreasing refined carbohydrate intake here and no one connects sugar with the top illness here...  Are the doctors so ignorant?  Or is it something else...?

Money... only some people make a ton of it.  Meaning, for those people it is just a bit more important than for others... Or they understand who to make it more than others... Or they were born into permissions more than others...

Death... It is an equal opportunity employer and doesn't discriminate...  Actually, money helps greatly to prolong life.  So, the tragedy that someone died 5 or 10 years earlier is that that person didn't have the same amount of money to purchase higher quality doctors, technology, medicine or suppliments than those who lived 5-10 years longer... 5-10?  I've lived 11 years longer than my father... It has nothing to do with money, but access...  Had I been born in Margarita's family's ranch...?  I wouldn't have had the advantage... But, this has to do with both access and money...  

What's my point?

There's so much we have within our hands for prolonging our health or prevent illness...  Part of having within our hands is the capacity to investigate and place 1+1= and analyze the information offered us and respond confidently to the doctors who wish to impress us with their importance and put them in perspective...  If we have money, we must decide what is the best thing to do with it.  The same goes for if we have a mind...

And then there is a point where we must accept our limitations = 1 + the limitations of the doctors, medicine, science, technology or access to information (the other 1) and understand that one day we end.  Are we prepared for that?  

And that end involves others...

... many things to consider...  

such as investing in expanding the business

... or buying a house or land...

or going on far away vacations for long periods of time... and being able to say we went there before we died...  

... or not coming to a conclusion and not doing anything with what we are able to save...

Or saving for eventual surgeries or chemotherapy that does NOT prevent imminent death... or improve quality of life... maybe it prolongs our lives another 6 months...

But, what if one of those polyps never becomes malignant?  And what if Margarita doesn't develop breast cancer?  The first supposedly is within my cards... but only 1-4 or 25%... The second isn't in Margarita's cards... supposedly.  But, how do you know these things?

There are things you basically know, such as what I've read about sugar or what we've experienced removing most refined carbs and all wheat products from our diet and what else I've read about health and nutrition intensely over the past 9-12 months or not so intensely over the past 8 years...

And there are things that you just CAN'T know and cannot prevent.  But, since you can't know what you can't prevent... You know you can't prevent death.  But, you don't know how you will die.  So, you CAN'T prevent THAT... 

Meaning, try using your brain the best you can...  But you can't truly know when you've reached your limits of "the best you can..."

And, in the middle of this project or work-in-progress, you stop...



 
 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Vitamin D dropping...

My vitamin D levels have dropped from 31.1 to 26.7 between September 22nd and November 21st... Granted, during that period I wasn't able to spend much time in the sun due to the intense work of Fiestas de Octubre...  Now we're in a period when sunlight is NOT direct and clouds roll in just after midday...

I just read that magnesium levels may be connected with Vitamin D levels...

In order to obtain 2,000 IU of Vitamin D per day, you must eat 366 grams of Red Snapper (Huachinango)

In order to obtain 2,000 IU of Vitamin D per day, you must eat 436 grams of Pacific Mackerel...

In order to obtain 2,000 IU of Vitamin D per day, you must eat 457 grams of Pampano.

In order to obtain 2,000 IU of Vitamin D per day, you must eat 314.7 grams of Rainbow Trout.

3 large eggs give you 120 IU of Vitamin D

3 large scrambled eggs give you 132 IU of Vitamin D

1 cup queso fresco gives you 134 IU of Vitamin D

Friday, November 21, 2014

Litmus Tests... Health update... and the return to popular medical "myths" or lies... but WHY?

The 32+ days of intense work during the 32 day fair of Guadalajara (Fiestas de Octubre) where we sold over 18,500 cups of coffee from October 3rd through November 3rd served as an incredible test of my "diet" vs. extremely powerful medical/nutritional concepts...  Until the 27th of September I was running minimally 10kms/day at least 5 days per week.  We began preparing for the fair Sunday September 28th, meaning that we were installing our coffee bar from Monday the 29th until Thursday the 2nd.  If I am correct, I made it to the park 3 times during the fair; the first time I ran 5kms and the other two times I walked those 5kms briskly; I had no time, nor energy working 20 hours per day those 32 days.  I also noticed during that time that I increased moderately my consumption of sugar, due to issues of fatigue.  But what peaked my curiosity more than anything else was the increase in animal protein and animal fat in my diet from the end of September until now.  You have no idea how much cheese and eggs I've eaten over the past two months since my last blood tests.  We are just beginning our return to heavy vegetable/greens consumption in an attempt towards balancing out the animal protein and animal fat and the cooked foods in our diet.

No matter how strong-minded and self-confident we are, it is extremely difficult to erase our minds and consciences of the years of intense nutritional "education" into what foods harm us (what causes hypertension and heart disease and obesity).  No matter what I've read and seen in my blood tests and weight since March, I still find myself worrying about cholesterol and uric acid levels connected with elevated consumption of animal fat and animal protein...  Cheese, eggs, butter, fatty cuts of beef... No, this is not the Atkins Diet, since I do NOT restrict fruit and vegetables in any form (some fruit such as oranges, grapes, watermelon).  However, during the fair, all of the vegetables were heavily cooked in soups and stews... Very little opportunity for eating salads or lettuce.  In fact, the reason I decided upon experimenting with kimchi's and other pickles this past week is because in October I threw away at least 2 pounds of cucumbers that were left untouched in the refrigerator...  Lettuce and cabbage and some carrots and zucchinis were also thrown away during that period... and I was the cook 100%  of the time... absolutely no time or energy for planning and preparing salads and ceviches...  If there is no time for even eating you can always cut off a piece of cheese or ham...  grab a handful of almonds...


So...  Today I took myself to the clinic and had my blood drawn, wondering who tenia razĆ³n (it comes out better in Spanish)...  Who would be proved correct: those who tell you to limit your consumption of eggs and cheese because of cholesterol and who tell you to limit animal protein because of uric acid or those who claim all of that medical information bombarding us since the 60s with low-fat, low animal protein diets scaring us to death about fat/cholesterol consumption and imminent heart attacks...  Or, regarding uric acid; kidney disease and gout (I guess I would prefer having gout to kidney disease)...  And there was that day during the fair when I noticed pain in the knuckles of my big toes (gout)... all in my mind?  


Before I share with you today's lab results it's very important that I refresh your minds about how my tests changed between March 1st and September 22nd 2014.  


March 1st 2014

Glucose 117  ("Prediabetic")

Triglycerides 326 (Alto; Healthy is considered below 150)

Total Cholesterol = 262 (Heavy risk of Heart Failure)

LDL (Not so bad Cholesterol) 159  (There isn't much I can say about this without explaining the function of LDL cholesterol in transporting fats and in building cell membranes etc.)

HDL (The Good Cholesterol)  38  (Unhealthy is considered below 40, dangerous is below 30, optimal is above 60)

VLDL (The Truly bad Cholesterol) 65 (healthy is considered below 35)

September 22nd 2014

Glucose 94  (almost 2 years ago my level was below 85 and I won't rest until it returns)

Triglycerides 114 (this is what surprised me most; it was at 208 just under 4 months ago)

Total Cholesterol 225

LDL 156

HDL 63 (this also greatly surprised me, since I know just how hard it is to elevate HDL)

VLDL 23


Now for today's (November 21st, 2014) reading.  (I cannot over-emphasize:  I was eating a ton of eggs, cheese and beef, along with a ton of chicken):

November 21st, 2014

Glucose = 88 (6 points lower than 2 months ago...This greatly and nicely surprised me considering that I had increased my frappe sugar consumption during this fair unlike April-May and August's fairs when I withstood from any frappe consumption and I've also re-introduced corn tortillas occasionally into the diet...)

Triglycerides = 144 (30 points higher... This was surprising, although it is still considered within the normal/healthy range.  If my glucose hadn't decreased, I would have connected the increase with increased simple carbs in the diet.  The only explanation I come up with is 7 weeks without exercise combined with the dramatic increase in protein; it is believed by some that extreme restriction of carbs leads the liver to convert protein to glucose.  Un-used glucose is converted to triglycerides.  But, why would my glucose reach it's lowest point during this 9 month period of dietary restriction of refined carbs?)

Total Cholesterol = 207 (18 points lower... What occured with the Eggs and Cheese and fatty cuts of beef?)

LDL = 140 (16 points lower...)

HDL = 51 (12 points lower...  Moderate to heavy exercise increases HDL.  Going from running over an hour combined with 30 minutes of a brisk walk minimally 5 days per week to 0 for at least 5 weeks straight should reflect in a decrease in HDL)

VLDL = 29 (6 points higher...  VLDL cholesterol is directly related to triglycerides.  So, if one rises, the other one should also rise and vice versa...  The same thing occurs between HDL and VLDL/triglycerides:  If one rises, the other drops... etc.)

Uric Acid = 4.8 (It was 5.0 in September, 4.1 in July, and 4.8 in May...  Normal/healthy is considered within the range of 3.4--7.0 mg/dL... What happened with all of the animal protein I ate in October-November?)

"Avoid Eggs, Cheese, non-lean meats, full-fat yogurts and milks...  Avoid saturated fats and decrease your calories... While you're at it, throw in at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per day... if you wish to avoid heart disease..."  


And I say... avoid refined carbs, avoid too much fructose...  if it is not embedded within fiberous fruits or vegetables...  avoid alcohol, wheat products... eat as much green and yellow vegetables as possible (#1, 2, 3 and 4 in Vitamin A are in order: Yellow Sweet Potato, Butternut Squash, Carrots and Spinach)  especially leafy vegetables and vegetables high in water content...  greatly restrict industrial vegetable oils (including Canola, although it is the least harmful--inflamatory of the vegetable oils; non-virgin olive oil is industrial garbage)...  Avoid ALL soy products.  And if you are avoiding wheat, ALERT, WARNING: Soy sauce and oyster sauce have wheat as an ingredient.  I haven't yet checked hoison sauce, although I imagine I'll be throwing that out too...  (It was believed that fermented soy products removed you from health risks caused by certain hormones or chemicals found naturally in soy beans and especially in the 95% GMO bean)  If you can go organic... why not?  I can't.  It doesn't exist here in Guadalajara.  Butter, Coconut Oil, Olive Oil, Chicken Fat, Beef fat... maybe I would restrict some of the beef fat... When not in the fairs I say NO to all processed meats...  If you can find pasteurized non-commercial cheeses...  I wouldn't worry about meat consumption.  However, I would prefer if it were organic and without sulfites, nitrates, colorings and hormones...  Salt... I wouldn't worry about it...  Fish... If you can afford the expensive ones... make that a regular part of you diet.  If you can't afford it: Spanish/Pacific Mackerel have the same amount of Omega 3 as does Salmon.  For Vitamin D, get as much midday sun as you can without burning yourself and avoid using sunscreen.  Believe it or not, Spanish/Pacific Mackerel is very high in Vitamin D3.  Red Snapper follows behind Spanish/Pacific Mackerel in Vitamin D3.  For Omega 3 for increasing HDL cholesterol if you don't eat fish or if you are a vegetarian or, like me, you can't guarrantee the eating of Spanish/Pacific Mackerel a few times a week, 5 tablespoons ground flax seeds mixed with water during the day (I often mix in fresh lime juice and possible 2 teaspoons of sugar in a large glass).  It is absolutely NOT necessary (and a bad idea since it is probably rancid) to buy ground flax seeds.  You can grind them in a Magic/Nutri bullet or a Vitamix blender...  Not only is it guarranteed fresh, it's much less expensive.  Flax oil would be easier, less complicated.  However, it spoils quickly and is very expensive...  EXERCISE... I'm a great promotor exercising...  Not so much for weight loss, althought that will be a continuous argument...  But for burning any excess glucose in your bloodstream... for building muscle, which decreases the risk of developing cancer...  Plus, I believe that aerobic exercise facilitates clear minded-ness, improves sleep, improves digestive issues, oxigenates the cells and helps cleanse the skin, cells/tissues... 


If you are wondering about the popular medical "myths" or lies...  I alluded to them throughout this piece:  to prevent obesity, hypertension, heart disease maintain a low-fat calorie restricted diet low in saturated fats and low in cholesterol... meaning avoid cheese and fatty cuts of meat etc...  and high animal protein diets leads to kidney disease and exercise at least 30 minutes per day...    


However, I will repeat myself... humans are physical animals designed for movement... often intense, energetic, rapid and strenuous... There is absolutely no healthy reason for maintaining oneself within chronic stagnancy/inmobility.  Exercise is for general physical and mental health...  it's for attempting towards returning us to our natural physical state...  








Tuesday, November 18, 2014

FYI

Most of what I write these days, I "publish" on my blog and in less than 24 hours I return it to draft form... So, just in case you are wondering why one moment you thought you read something new and the next moment you are only seeing something from a few months earlier... now you know...  As I've said since the mid-90s, "My best writings appear in my mind while walking, exercising, working intensely or driving, when it is impossible for me to pick up a notebook... and I always say that I will return to the idea, theme, mood... and I never do."  

When I first created this blog... and no, I will not mention James or Natalie... I was using it as a basic rough-draft of a life story I thought would be interesting for many people and helpful for many others...  Most of my life I've dreamed of writing something "important"... And, yes, I believe that much of my experience, evolution, ideas and discoveries are very important.  However, at this moment in time, I don't find any sign that I am anything more than a mediocre writer and I've never seen a sign that I could turn my experience and ideas into autobiographical fiction that would entice a very wide readership...  

Anything less than historical or autobiographical fiction would be a failure and I have no interest in writing an "inspirational" book...  I'm not trying to sell a product.  Plus, my interests and perspectives are very broad and changing.  For instance, due to the intense work in October, I haven't returned to my investigation into health and diet.  I haven't returned to my 10k runs (although I ran 5k yesterday and bought a Concept 2 rowing machine for those inclement or busy days difficult for trecking out to the park).  Since Angelina's death last December 9th, I haven't returned to painting.  Due to our extreme dietary change, I spend a bit less time in the kitchen... although today I am preparing Kimchi for the first time in my life... based upon information about fermented vegetables and digestive health etc....  And although I haven't returned to the investigation, I have become a momentary fanatic about Vitamin A (immune system) in the diet.  Eat your orange sweet potatoes and your butternut squash before you eat your carrots.  But, always accompany those extremely high sources of Vitamin A with a fat source, since Vitamin A is not water soluble...  And, another thing kids, like bananas and potassium, you've been misled about carrots and eyesight...  There are two types of Vitamin A.  Vitamin A from yellow or orange or green leafy vegetables strengthens your immune system.  Vitamin A from animal protein protects or strengthens your eyesight...  Carve the pumpkin and then eat it... but eat it with a lot of butter or olive oil or macadamia nuts or avocado or chedder cheese or... But eat it...  

And what am I reading today?  Miguel Angel Asturias... Nobel winning author from Guatamala (awarded before Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Mario Vargas Llosa, Pablo Neruda or Octavio Paz)... I'm struggling to enter his Banana Republic trilogy.  After reading "Dr. Jivago" by Boris Pasternak, it was such a tragic, romantic, informative, sad and beautiful piece of writing that could have had him executed...  I find Asturias' piece very impersonal and lacking warmth.  But, it could just be an issue of adjustment.  The truth is that I struggled heavily with the beginning of "Dr. Jhivago"...  It smacked too much of Victorian era writings describing the wealth and comfort of the pre-bolschevic Moscow "middle-class"...  But WHAT AN INCREDIBLE JUXTAPOSITION!  And Pasternak bringing us directly into the reality of change in Russian experience between the Revolution of 1905 and the decade after WWI and the Civil War...  Bringing us into that reality without showing a party line etc...  Sad, Sad, Sad.  

Dr. Jhivago a doctor turned writer/poet basically dying in the streets of Moscow, basically unknown in life...  although greatly loved and incredibly considerate.  Boris Pasternak, soviet writer, son of upper-middle class post-impressionist Russian Jewish painter Leonid Pasternak who was close friends with Russian writer Leo Tolstoi... Boris Pasternak, on Stalin's list of writers who should be imprisoned and executed and who wouldn't live to see any of his books published in the country within which he lived and who taught us to be true to our inner beliefs no matter how risky they are...  His writings were black listed not because they were subversive, but (as clearly displayed in Dr. Jhivago) because he displayed too much independent thinking...  

Boris Pasternak was one of three Nobel Awarded Soviet writers that included Alexandr Solzhenitsen and Michail Sholokhov (only Sholokhov was allowed to receive the award).

Sunday, November 16, 2014

From the point of view of a small businessperson, 18,500 cups of coffee sold over a 32 day period should be worth any sacrifice...  6 weeks without performing aerobic exercise... the discontinuation of my research/studies into health and diet etc...  an exhaustion so extreme that my memory of all I had been focussing upon since March seemed erased.  Aside from increasing our so-called financial security, the only message positively connecting me with my momentarily erased or blocked memories was that although I wasn't focussing at all upon exercise, health and diet, I didn't experience any sign of weight gain.  

During the period of the fair I was carrying with me the 3rd part of Ken Follett's "20th Century" trilogy and finished reading it during the last week of the fair.  Although it was very informative and concluded the sharing with us the most important events of the 20th Century, there was a moment somewhere in the middle of "Edge of Eternity" after the assassination of Martin Luther King when it seemed that Follett felt pressured to finish the book and offer it to his readers in 2014 as had been promised...  All this withstanding, he left me wondering who the fictional characters depicted in real life... and I realized that Follett took various important cultural figures of the 50s-70s from the U.S. to Great Britain, East Germany and the Soviet Union and mixed them creating his very real fictive characters...  

Intrigued about Follett's portrayal of a Soviet writer sent to a Gulag in Siberia who miraculously manages to have his "fictive" accounts of life on the Gulag etc. published in England, I began looking into what controversial books had been written by Soviet writers during the period of Stalin until the fall of the Iron Curtain.  Fortunately for me, this wasn't a subject new for me.  A few months earlier I had endured the entrance into Alexander Solzhenitsen's "The First Circle" and learned just how oppressive Soviet communism had been for artists, scientists, academics, intellectuals and the original revolutionaries of 1905 after the Bolschevic Revolution, although intellectual academics and university students with high ideals for human rights and justice throughout the world continue holding up "banners" promoting "Marxism", Leninism, Castro and Che Guevara's Cuban Revolution and even "communism".  During one of my occasional perusals in used book stores here in Guadalajara in 2014, I decided upon buying the Soviet writer Boris Pasternak's epic "Doctor Zhivago"...  Normally I avoid books made famous by movie portrayals... such as "Arabian Nights". But, for some strange reason and without actually thinking, I brought home "Doctor Zhivago"...  In Follett's "Edge of Eternity", the journalist sister of the personal secretary of first Nikita Kruschev and ultimately Mikhail Gorbachev who helped bring the writings of the fictitious character who spent at least a decade in the Gulag (Siberian work camps) to the "West" mentions the publishing of Pasternak's "Doctor Zhivago" causing the raising of my eyebrows...  

The week after finishing "Fiestas de Octubre" (the fair of Guadalajara), I did a small search into Soviet writers and read that the Soviet Union restrained from having Boris Pasternak's writings published, due to Pasternak's tendency towards free thinking.  If you read "Doctor Zhivago", you'll realize that Pasternak writes without any party line, nor political leaning.  You cannot find him on the pendulum as a leftist, centrist or rightwing..., although he was born into upper-middle class Russian privilege (the son of the famous Russian post-impressionist painter Leonid Pasternak--of Russian Jewish heritage) who's home was frequently visited by the most famous of 19th century Russian writers (Leon Tolstoi).  In the 1940s, Stalin's Soviet Union was pressuring the Union of Soviet Writers (to which any Soviet writer must have belonged if they wished for having anything published) to have its members sign a contract that they would inform of any anti-Soviet subversion amongst their writer friends or colleagues...  Boris Pasternak refused to sign the contract and realized he would immediately been accused of seditious behavior and wrote a letter addressed directly to Joseph Stalin explaining that he didn't believe himself with the power of determining who should be executed, since any accusation of anti-Soviet behavior (factual or fictious) is almost a guarrantee of execution...  With the personal letter from Pasternak to Stalin, Boris Pasternak was scratched from the list of arrests and future executions...  However, his books would not be published in Russia until after the fall of the Iron Curtain.  

Although Pasternak saved his own life, he "witnessed" the execution and suicides of many of his close writer friends and collegues during the 40s and 50s, before the writing of "Doctor Jhivago", a book I would never have imagined reading before November 2014... nor would I have imagined reading Solzhenitsen...  what a sad, tragic, romantic and strangely beautiful piece of writing... surprisingly without ANY typical dark and depressing footprints of Russian or Soviet socio-political or climactic oppression.  At first I became frustrated reading Pasternak since Doctor Jhivago seemed like a typical Victorian Period description of the lifestyles of the wealthy and comfortable of Moscow that could have been taking place in London, Paris or Boston.  However, the description of pre-Bolshevic life was necessary as a juxtaposition for understanding the extremes the Russian (and later on the Soviet) people were subjected to...  It's one thing to offer more oxygen to those who have too little clean air to breath... it's another thing to decrease the oxigen breathed by almost all the inhabitants in the name of ideals that would never truly be pursued for anyone... You didn't understand that last comment?

During Czarist Russia, a small group of Russians (not necessarily of the ruling class) had access to much much more confort (food, commodities etc) than had most of the rest of the Russian people. While it could have been argued that the Bolschevic Revolution was necessary for bringing progress and health to the Russian People as a whole, that didn't mean that all vestiges of what had been lived and known for centuries should be destroyed without truly understanding the requirements for constructing a positive, healthy and progressive future...  

And what does this have to do with me?  What does it have to do with you?  What does it have to do with us?

Isabelle Allende suffered the Coup d' etat/golpe de estado in Chile in 1973 (the assessination of her uncle, Presidente Salvador Allende)

 


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

a veces crees estar ayudando...

Pasaba por una mala pasada la pajarita...  Creiamos ayudarla desafarse del pegamento para ratones en que se encontrĆ³ en el balcĆ³n despuĆ©s de una pelea feroz con la vecina...  Margarita froto las patitas con aceite de canola para prevenirlas contra enredarse en las plumitas de la panza como acaba de pasar despuĆ©s de librarla de la trampa.  Y la dejamos un una maseta en el sol, vigilando que no acercara la vieja Campanita quien a vez en cuando aprovechaba de una tortola caĆ­da de las ramas despuĆ©s de haber sida vencida en una pelea del territorio para sentirse feroz, salvaje y viva.  Afortunadamente para nosotros y la pajarita, Campana no tomo en cuenta su existencia y tenia tiempo para recuperarse del susto y quien sabe que mĆ”s.  Pero, por una razĆ³n o otra, no cambio del lugar de la maseta la tortola, ni cuando ocultaba el sol.  Noviembre, temporada de enfriamiento, lluvisna y frentes frios.  Se lluvio toda la noche.  Preocupe por el estado de la tortola.  Pero, me tranquilizaba con la idea que los estĆ”n acostumbrados los pajaros al cambios del clima porque viven en las ramas con vientos frios y lluvia.  La pajarita aguantaria tambien.  La maƱana siguiente, cruzando el patio hacia el baƱo abajo el cielo gris, asomĆ© ala maseta y tome en cuenta la posiciĆ³n extraƱa ladeada de la pajarita que me hizo pensar en un pato de madera recostado contra unos libros en un librero...  La toque para verificar el cambio irreversable del tortola que faltaba la calidez de la tarde anterior y aleje pensando... ¿en que forma la habiamos ayudado? ¿que fue la diferencia? y yo con la idea que desafarla del pegamento de la trampa fue un acto de buena voluntad entre humanos y pajaros...  

Friday, November 7, 2014

And in the end...

It could be the end of the Beatles song on Abbey Road... but that wasn't my intention...  it has nothing to do with love or "the love you made..."  

In the end we are freed... of suffering... of misunderstandings... of what someone did or someone didn't... of misinterpretations...

In the end, nothing really mattered because it has ended.  The relationship has ended.  There is nothing to say because there is no voice.  There is nothing to interpret, because there is no mind.  There is nothing to hear on the other side because there is no ear for receiving the message. 

Maybe we start over.  

I started over in Mexico.  And that's how I like it.  It's been good for me.  Nothing in the past was good.  I couldn't change it or change them, so like I said in the previous pieces of Wednesday "Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes? Death as Tragedy and Sentimentalism" and Thursday "Another Person Died..." , "maybe the only way to break a cycle is by removing yourself from that cycle."  And that's what I did with moving to Mexico.  And it's been good for me.  

Repeating histories isn't good for me.  Where does it bring us? But, you've gotta understand that we only have a past between you and I.  There is no present and there is no future. 

And the past is something that harmed me greatly; it stunted my growth...  So, if you are only past then it's time to relegate you to Alzheimer's memories...  And when someone else dies... or when you die, you have been freed from this psychological issue of yours. 

I moved to Mexico.  The intention was for freeing myself.  

You have no idea how much easier it is for me when I am not thinking about my so-called immediate family, when there is absolutely no sense of connection with them.  For me, the connection was horribly negative and full of too much risk.  

So, let's leave it at that.

Remember, I studied history in college.  And the greatest lesson I learned about history is that it only exists if the "powers that be" wish for others to know about it.  History isn't a fact, although what is said may be a truth or full of truths.  It can also be highly manipulated.  If the data creates inconveniences for a family or an organization or a community or a government, the data is burned or shredded.  It's your word against theirs...  But, there isn't history.  Or their history is fictitious... And the children grow up learning lies.  But that's what their parents or their school systems or their governments wish for them... What can I say?  

Nothing... if it is offensive... if it is inconvenient... no matter how true it may be... and then it is just my word against yours, which is a very tiresome game and not really worth the lack of return... 

You must know I don't believe in activism... not because it is wrong... but because "the powers that be" only allow the movements if they have decided somehow, someway in the future they can use it for their best interests.  

It is rare that a person truly worries about the best interests of "the other"... that a person believes in justice for the other... If it doesn't bring them some form of personal benefit, such as increased income or prestige...  

No, most humans will return to their own best interests and leave the suffering of the other person to their fate or as some people would say: "their dumb luck"...   

If a tree falls in the woods and you don't hear it fall, did it fall?

If a man rapes a woman and no one saw him rape her, did he truly rape her?

If a boy loses his father at a very young age and suffers horribly for that loss and all of the subsequent consequences of that loss and none of the adults believe he suffers that loss and the subsequent consequences of that loss, did he truly suffer the loss?

The answer is, only the woods knows that a tree fell and only the woman (and the rapist) knows she was raped and only the boy knows he suffered the death of his father and the subsequent consequences.  There is no tragedy in this.  Just difficult experience and we must learn to deal with the issue (the famous words of a ham sandwich without slices of bread on the two sides: COPE) and move on.  Except for the tree, I wish these things didn't happen.  But they did and they do and only the person within the experience can understand what happened.  We can't expect people to be empathetic or even considerate.  Or maybe things would have been a bit different, wouldn't they have been?

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make...

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Another person died...

Can you tell me how many funerals were performed or observed over the "Todos Santos/All Saints Day" weekend?

How many people died?

Did you know any of them?  Or did you know all of them?

I'm certain there are data bases on the internet that supply the stats of how many people are born and die in any given day on this planet.  I am also certain that most of those deaths would be considered deaths and not trajedies.

Years ago, if I am correct, my mother explained to me her belief that the endings of all relationships are felt as certain deaths...  It may have also been my mother that explained that milestones or the terminating of eras, such as the graduating high school or the terminating Division II of Hampshire College and entering the higher stage of the Division III thesis writing is approached with fear and dread and possibly the subconscious sabotaging of advancement to the next rung as if we were about to die...

I may be wrong.  All these ideas may have been from someone else.  In any case, they stuck with me. 

We don't like change.  And all change is a form of death.  When you advance to another level and your friends stay at the same level, you tend to lose those friends... for them, the part of you they enjoyed, maybe that part of you that was more playful and less serious, had died.  And they are resentful that you left them behind.  

Somewhere way back when I read about the various stages of grief and mourning.  And one stage is Rage at having been left behind by the deceased.  So, your friends who stayed behind or whom you left behind are resentful towards you because you left them behind, you abandoned them... Not much different than if they were entering that rageful stage of mourning your death, although you hadn't died.

My father died when I was 4.5 years old.  And my mother "changed...  And I lived much of my life dealing with the aftermath of my father's death and my mother's "change"...  I had to deal with two very heavy losses at a very young age and find myself constantly having to adjust to socio-environmental changes, such as the entrance into preschool and elementary school and middle school and high school along with the appearance of many different men courting my mother during the 70s (consolidation of the free-love movement.  Did you see the movie "Ice Storm"?).  Not only did she disappear how many nights and weekends with those different faces, she disappeared in her schooling and then her working...  Not only did we experience a revolving door of Men for Marsha, we saw a revolving door of women and young women temporary caretakers (babysitters) all scared away by a very possessive and jealous Sheri.  And all of this began two weeks after the death of my father...  

What we didn't see were the faces of family members who innately cared for and about us in our home on a weekly basis; no uncles, no grandparents...  

Do you remember all the times I wanted to run away from a very early age?  

Like death having many different metaphoric faces, running away does too...  Suicide may not actually be the desire to die, but the desire to escape, much like running away...  

Sometimes, when the child runs away, the adults ask, what is happening in the child's household.  However, when the child becomes suicidal, the adults don't ask.  They comment... that the child is mentally ill...  

How many of the adults that sat around the Goldstein-Nacht post-Grandpa Harry thanksgiving table cease living?  Uncle Henry, Aunt Jo, Aunt Annabel, Cousin Barry (although he wasn't really there as an adult and certainly didn't participate in the conversations or the arguments).  How many participated in the conversation about the family history?  About things that happened and how the main players experienced the other characters within the extended family or experienced the "passers by", such as the live-in girlfriends of my grandfather and their children or Harry's second wife Shirley and how her children gained most of my grandfather's possessions and capital.  My Aunt Annabel butting heads with my aunt Jo or Mary Beth (aunt) butting heads with my Aunt Annabel...  And how my Aunt Jo (who died at that ripe old age of 92) claimed that the family had NO German Heritage, although her maiden name was "Nacht" or night in German and claimed that we were of Romanian heritage, which would have given her and my mother a non-German maiden name since Romanian is a romance language.  My mother claimed that my Aunt Jo housed all of the family's deep-dark secrets, about how "we" came to "America" and why we left Europe and what happened in Europe and in the early years of New York City, etc...  but that the histories were guarded under lock and key... and went with her to the death.

And what I've been thinking about over the past few weeks is a conversation I overheard about the daughters of an Uncle Sid, who was one of my grandfather's siblings...  And this brings me back to comparisons and considerations.

I found myself thinking about my years of dreaming of escape...  from what? and why...  and how those desires for escaping did not lead to my death, but to my living in Mexico, now for coming on 12 years.  And from what age did I begin running away in my mind... and why?  Does anyone talk about this at the Thanksgiving table? like they talked about Uncle Sid's daughters, understanding and justifying the reasoning behind why his daughters moved so far away... One hasn't talked to him for years!...  From that end (the adult's end) of the table floated the idea that Uncle Sid sexually abused his daughters...  

Why would I have heard that and remembered that?  How old was I?  My grandfather died when I was 13-years-old... So I must have been an adolescent, old enough to understand...  

And my mother had pushed me away when my father died and removed the possibility that I, the 4.5-year-old would become the "man of the house"... because she didn't want us to develope an "unhealthy" relationship as she had seen between a cousin and an aunt.  And somewhere during my years in college she had mentioned that an uncle had done things to her and her older sister Annabel, but then denied all of the above later on...  And my younger sister Beth was sexually abused repeatedlty by how many people from early childhood until mid-20s... And my cousin Elise became anorectic/bulemic, alcoholic and a drug addict and my older sister Sheri became Epileptic and Obese...  And one of my Aunt Jo's sons became gay and one of my cousins became gay and died from HIV/AIDS  and if you look into the psychiatric literature you will find that a good percentage of male homosexuals were sexual abused by men as children and that many anorectic women (and promiscuous) women were sexually abused by men as children... And if we analyze the character/behaviors of my family and the histories and stories and and and...  and then their reactions to all of this... along with all of the literature... it should become extremely difficult to believe that there isn't a cycle here...

It was ok that they talk about Uncle Sid and his daughters, since they weren't in contact with their cousins, or with Uncle Sid, since he lived so far away.  It became less personal. So the could understand the behaviors or reactions or actions of their cousins.  But, why can't they understand my behaviors or actions or reactions?

It's a simple reason:  Because they must protect Marsha as a pillar of the family.  

Did she sexually abuse me?  I don't believe so.  But, she greatly harmed me to protect herself from her darkest fears. My mother is so afraid of what people will think about her, that in her epitath about her older sister Anabel (my aunt), she reminds everyone that she was there for Anabel every day of the weeklong period of dying in the hospital... When my mother dies, she must be remembered for being there for everyone ill in the hospital and for how she cared for her younger brother and father after her mother's death (in a psychiatric hospital) when my mother was 15-years-old.  She even spent many days alongside my uncle Stan's bed during his heart surgeries, although he used my father's death insurance for improving his family's income and lifestyle, while that of ours went to the dumps... and she had to implore him to pay her back in order to pay for Sheri's college...  But she will not be remembered for being negligent or abusive and psychologically destructive or manipulative, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous...  No one will know about that side of Marsha.  She is a saint and even if they believe all that I write, they will say, "but under the circumstances..."

When my father died, under the circumstances applied to 4 people, not just my mother.  

And, yes, he died.  And my mother got over it... VERY QUICKLY, didn't she?  When did Hal propose to her?  Less than a year after my father's death.  How long after my father's death was my mother having sex with how many guys?  

My father's death was a trajedy for... his children... since his widowed wife got over it very quickly.  Why?  Because he was only spring-board for her... that malfunctioned.  And she sought other spring-boards... Fortunately for my sisters, they had their live-in female role-model...  Unfortunately for Beth, an aspect of the lesson of that female role model was to become very promiscuous... Under the circumstances...  Beth was 3 months from her 3rd birthday when my father died.  So, we can't say that she suffered much the loss of her father... and had her mother.  Sheri was a little over 7.5-years-old and suffered greatly the loss of her father. But, she still had her female role model.  I on the other hand... 

Became a problem... although I wasn't promiscuous and I didn't become an alcoholic or a drug addict...  But I did become a fire starter and "self-mutilator" turned suicidal...  And I dreamed of running away for so many years of my life until I left for Mexico...  

In NYC I saw a PTSD specialist who continually asked me who sexually abused me as a child... since the literature connects fire-starting and self-mutilation in young and adolescent boys to childhood sex-abuse...  But I don't have those memories and my mother didn't want to participate in group therapy.  As a matter of fact, my mother has NEVER seen a therapist in her life, although that was one of the requisites for becoming a therapist herself.  Who knows how (and why) she escaped that... She could dive into the personal experiences of her patients, but no one was allowed to dive into hers...  

I was sexually abused by my younger sister Beth...  

You may ask, But how is that possible?  I'm sure that when the stats came about about husbands being beaten by wives they were initially received by the same question of incredulity... like when students of Afro-American history are accused of being racist against whites...  How is that possible?  It has to do with power and hegemony...  Or are things actually so damn simple?

How old was Beth when she began throwing herself at me?  And why?  My mother would say, under the circumstances...  But do the circumstances justify all of the anti-social and psychologically destructive/mentally ill behaviors performed or perpetrated in public or behind closed doors?  Or is she justifying everything that occured in her family, so that she can be pardoned?

When do you decide to stop denying and start listening and trying to understand and say, "enough is enough, lets break the cycle..."?

Last night, after writing the piece about death as trajedy and sentimentalism, I thought about writing about breaking cycles.  How do you actively break a cycle?

Maybe the only sure way is by removing yourself from it... 

I removed myself from that cycle coming on 12 years.  But, somewhere coming on 5 years ago, my mother's husband was accused of sexually abusing, my mother's grand daughter (Beth's daughter)...  And they didn't have to share that with me...  Nor must I have known about it... And if Bruce is innocent... is slightly besides the point considering the irony of the situation...  

Beth's husband to be threw his bachelor party in a strip joint and couldn't stop talking about how he would love to be with "one of them" Women of Latin or African descent...  And during the time of their marriage, the foolish man repeatedly mentioned his longings to me, his brother-in-law.  In fact, he was incredibly taken by my last "American" girlfriend (Joey) who's mother was of African descent and claimed that I was very fortunate.  It's not a surprise that he and Beth divorced, with two young daughters.  

Fortunate is to be with a person because of that person and not because of their material worth.  I'm so sorry that my mother saw my father as a ticket to "the American Dream" and expressed later on that she never loved him...  Joey and I didn't work out because we couldn't work out; not because of money or appearance or connections or status...  Margarita and I work out because work very well together...  We gained weight together and I didn't dream of a skinnier woman.  We lost weight together... and realized how that helps us greatly intimately etc.  But, we don't remember how being overweight or obese hindered our interpersonal relationship...  We've planned and managed the business/es together for over 11 years and have shared the same bed every single night since May of 2003.  We both cook and enjoy what the other person prepares.  We've always exercised together, although someone may leave the other person in the dust at times or often and it doesn't really matter (no one must slow their pace in order to be with the other person)...  We are honest, sincere and successful together...

And I ran away...  

I would say... to find her... or to find myself... But, the truth of the matter is that I ran away from my dysfunctional family that is immersed in denile...  And I became healthy and successful...  far away and disconnected from them...  

How many funerals were performed last weekend?  How many people died?  How many of those deaths were truly trajedies.  If a tree falls in the woods and you didn't see it fall, did a tree really fall in the woods?  

Since the early 80s, world population has increased from 4 billion to almost 7 billion... In less than 40 years the human population has almost doubled...  That means that more people are being born than are dying.  But, if almost 7 billion humans exist on the planet, how many die every day?  And if all of their deaths are considered trajedies...

As I said in what I wrote yesterday, death CAN'T be a trajedy, since it is what must occur with every living organism in order for the universe to be healthy.  In fact, trajedy is human concept that can be linked closely to sentimentalism and psychological or spiritual weakness; flaws in understanding reality.  

If we look closely at the concept of tragedy, maybe we will find that trajedy is something that "shouldn't" have occured.  And we can argue this point too...  Death is not something that shouldn't occur.  It is the only guarrantee or sure thing we know.  What we don't know is how life will be (any given moment) between birth and death.  So, many can say that my Aunt Annabel was fortunate for having lived as she lived for 75+ years and that she didn't die alone...  Where is the tragedy?

And if the circumstances behind my childhood weren't tragic... less so was that of my aunt's death and less so was that of my mother's losing her sister...  

If we can call all deaths trajedies, than how warped is our perception of life and human experience?

If "Americans" suffer living in the wealthiest country in the world with the highest level of consumerism, what about those people living in countries within much worse circumstances?  There are over 200 countries on this planet and most are not considered 1st world nations.  

Under the circumstances... another person died... she just happened to be my aunt, the older sister of my mother (who's son ran away to Mexico and tried cutting all ties from her and her daughters and her nephews).  And she doesn't want to understand why I live much better not having contact with her or her family and why...  As such a responsible "caring"/empathetic person she seems to be to her peers, she isn't responsible for anything connected with me and she doesn't truly care to understand why I continuously burn the bridges... with heavy difficult truths... But everything is under the circumstances...

This is not a trajedy. It is just a fact of life.  And, yes, we get over it... as long as the past doesn't try implanting itself with in the present and doesn't try controlling the future.  We get over it... especially with death.  My mother got over her mother's death and her husband's death (probably too soon) and her niece's death and her father's death and her nephew's death and her younger brother's death and will get over her older sister's death.  And she will get over Bruce's death and probably will outlive some of her children.  And not one moment will any of these deaths truly have been a trajedy.  Not even that of my father...

Just another person died...  and they will continue dying...  and there is nothing we can do, nor should we do...    

You may call me a cold-hearted bastard... But, if you lived between my mother and I from January 1974 until... you would realize that being cold-hearted is a learned behavior.  

Bastard... was circumstantial.

After years of my mother's behaviors towards me, her announcement that she had never loved my father (what an incredible myth of a man as explained by her and others--especially my Uncle Henry--over the years) clarified what had always been confusing within my mind; that I was what she often called me throughout childhood, bastard.  That she never loved my father explains her relationship towards me.  It doesn't make me sad or resentful.  It's better to understand than to be confused due to being misled.  

Bastard is only derogatory when children or young adults sling it at a defenseless peer who is at risk.  But, if you understand the circumstances that make a child a bastard, you realize that they aren't to blame for that status.  And, maybe their mother isn't to blame for that status.  But, there is a reason why the term bastard is slung at men as derogatory descripters; because of their style of behavior after having been born a bastard.  The circumstances... That their mother may have been promiscuous, a prostitute, not knowing who the father was... and the cause of the conseption of the baby boy was not based in love.  And it is probable that the mother never loved the son and resented his presence.  Growing up within those circumstances the bastard displays certain traits of bastardome, earning him that name.  

And that's what I am... regarding my mother's family.