And now you probably think I'm totally nuts and it doesn't matter what else I say. Read your message. I am inspired to comment to something you wrote. I re-read what I wrote and am inspired to expand upon what I wrote. And then I realize that so much of what I wrote has so little to do with you, but has something to do with what I want to say to others, so I place it on my blog, risking you thinking that I had broken some sort of interpersonal/privacy code. And then I decide to re-read what you wrote, since I am sure that I didn't adequately read or respond to what I read. And here I am... not as nuts as you probably think...
Truthfully, I don't understand why I woman should be looking at her watch or a clock when she is in the midst of giving birth. My mother told me that I was born around 1pm. That would have made my rising sign Libra or Scorpio. In all I read about rising sign in Libra or Scorpio, I didn't see me. So, I contacted the hall of records of the municipality where I was born and they sent me my birth certificate with the time: 10:45am. Big difference making my rising sign Virgo, with all the hyper critical, perfectionist, prudish, analytical and isolationist social qualities... I don't like parties. I don't like small talk. I don't like public events. I don't like crowds. While I work in giant fairs, I've never been to one in my adult life, with the exception of going with the environmental club to the 4-H Fair... I love New York City and walking through all the crowds; but I'll repeat WALKING THROUGH the crowds, passing through them, not staying within them. I'm not agoraphobic or xenaphobic. I so much prefer large cities of isolated rural regions... I don't go to parties; I've never thrown a party.
But back to knowing the time of our births... Only for Astrological purposes, I wish that all exact birthtimes were recorded; not by the mother, but by the hospital and saved within the hall of records... But, that's only to say that the society believes in Astrology. Otherwise, why record this information?
I can't understand your father's behavior as being embarrassing for your mother. I feel that the word for describing her experience must have been much worse. Then again, I don't know how he went about it and how he presented it or reacted to accusations and concerns infront of you or towards her... I can understand how you would have felt embarrassed. Afterall, it was your father... But, having not been there to experience him and your mother, truthfully I can't near imagining, although I can imagine how your mother felt...
Children do one of two things in response to their parents' behaviors: 1) they emulate them/repeat the same lifestyle; 2) they organize their lives and mentality around not repeating their parents' behaviors. But, our first role model and the #1 educator/informer is our parent. So, it is human to not being exactly as you wish you would be... But, you must learn to truly accept you. Saying that it is human not being perfect is just a throw-out phrase that probably makes you feel worse in ways, since it sounds like a cop-out. "Who do... Who do you think you're foolin'" Who sang that line and tell me more about that song... I'm not pulling out any more of the lyrics; drawing a blank, although I know exactly who sang the song... I see them singing it on the Muppets:-)
Truthfully, what inspired me most to write you one more time is your statement about not knowing me well enough to discuss such an intimate statement... But, that's just the problem. No one thinks they know another person well enough to discuss such an intimate issue. Michael's wife M'nique surprised me and visited me in the hospital during the last surgery. We weren't close. She visited me alone, without Michael. I imagine Michael visited me. But, M'nique is strangely shy or timid or prudish (she's a horrible Virgo). But she visited me, which was great. I spent my last New Years Eve in the U.S. (and the only one that I actually celebrated in my life, since my father died that day and I was raised not celebrating it) with her (her invitation) in a Native American sweat lodge ceremony in Stony Brook, Long Island. Michael was "abroad". I believe he was in Sydney. So, I went with her and my friend Milo. None of my friends comment on my writings in my blog. No one talks to me about this stuff. Margarita is incredibly supportive and goes through stages of concern or worry. But, I'm sure she senses my tension connected with the subject of doctors or examinations and she learns to not say anything, as I am with José "Montaña"... She wonders what is going on within my body. I wonder too... But, maybe I don't truly want to know. Or I don't want to enter into that discomfort connected with being responsible... Or maybe it just doesn't matter, because I don't believe that any Mexican doctor can know anything about my "disease" and if they did know something, I don't believe they will be very adept... So, why enter?
I have my wife. But, there is a cultural/language divide... We connect deeply. We develop an increasing understanding, love and respect for one another. But, she is only one half of my reality; my other half is my former life in the U.S., my yearning for reconnecting with those people, with sharing with them, with returning to that lifestyle. I yearn for having intimacy with true friends. But, that is almost impossible. And you can't just be intimate with just anyone at any given time. And you can't be intimate because someone said so, that someone possibly being you. I've learned a lot from life and a lot from relationships. And one thing I've learned is that you shouldn't expect anything from anyone. Whatever you've said to me that is intimate, is a surprise and has been inspiring or appreciated. But, as you know, I don't ask you a question two times. You share what you share. And if you don't share anything tomorrow; well, that's absolutely normal.
All this said, I don't believe I will return to the U.S. I need a miracle that would say that it all would work out; and I won't abandon Margarita. She is my connection to the me that I love and respect. And I never met "her" in the U.S., if you know what I mean. But there is a cultural issue within me, and that is that I am not from here and I long for what I enjoyed there, that I don't find here and the most important of those things is TRUE AND ENJOYABLE FRIENDSHIPS. Mexicans don't understand that... There are cultural issues here that make it very difficult to find this type of friendship. Here, the friendships are more political and reguarded with suspicion... And as I've said before, male friendships revolve around alcohol and around the disrespect towards women..