Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Long Convoluted Existentialist Letter about Sex, Drugs, Rock N Roll, and transvesties, etc; Conversations with a Past Life September 19, 2011

I guess you took me seriously when I said that I would be writing you weeks after you stopped writing...  I guess I shouldn't be saying this if it's something I know. 

There is no risk in a relationship where two people never saw each other and probably won't see each other later.  And if two people could be decent friends in person, most of what is written is said in person instead; granted with a different flow, different energy.  So, no one would be reacting to a few lines written in a long letter. That long letter probably wouldn't have been written in the first place.

In 1996 a woman, origen Branchburg, New Jersey, spent months in a very isolated town on the Pacific coast with her boyfriend and his family.  In 2003 a man from Branchburg, New Jersey moved to Mexico without having the slightest illusions about what was Mexico etc., met and married his wife Margarita and has been making his life there with Margarita for over 8 years.  While the woman was with her boyfriend's family, the brother of the boyfriend's mother's boyfriend was tied to a coconut palm tree and executed.  The reason being that he was running heroin from Colima to Seattle, but for the wrong group...   How could this be?  Would he be that foolish to live in an area of one group, while working for their competition?  In 1996 the woman from Branchburg did not know the man from New Jersey, although they had briefly met and almost "hooked up" in 1985 (if I am correct). In 1996 the man from Branchburg was not thinking about the woman from Branchburg and equally so, wasn't thinking about Mexico, nor was he thinking about drugs, although he may have been concerned about the strange activity of the vagrants at the end of the tunnel in the subway station of 64th Street, in Manhattan and if he should give the coins he has in his coat pockets to the "begger" he sees everyday sometimes dressed only in a large garbage bag.  Later on this man from Branchburg, New Jersey would learn to distinguish between drug addicts and truly needy "beggers" (truly needy beggers are too self-conscious to ask for money) and also be able to determine the drug of choice by the physical destruction done to the person's face; alcoholism dries the pores, heroin creates an incredibly ematiated face with the eyes seemingly receeded behind cheekbones that seemingly protrude; crack addicts have a zombie-like, monstruous look, much like the half-dead characters in Johnny Depp's first Pirates of the Carribean movie...  And both those drug-addicts had extreme dental problems...  This same man from Branchburg wouldn't be thinking about drug trade and Mexico when he was living part-time in Spanish Harlem or when he was working with drug-addicts in Long Island City, nor when he saw the movie "Traffic"...  In fact, he was molested by the movie's Hollywood, middle-class almost New Age exaggeration or lack there of when focussing on the Politician's daughter's relationship with the issue...  

That said, this woman and this man from Branchburg are indirectly (and possibly spiritually) connected in more than one way, more than once.  And that's why this man finds so much to write about to this woman he may never meet in person as adults...

When I was working in San Luis Potosi, I became "friends" with one of the young security guards.  We hooked up on Facebook.  On his page it was clear that he was a fanatic participant in the PAN party of the President, that is, at the moment, the political party responsible for Mexico's side on "the War on Drugs."  If the party changes in 2012, I am sure "the War on Drugs" will be the same as with PAN.  Or, the U.S. will not allow for the party to change during the following elections.  Yes, Mexico is a Democracy.  It's had open elections within a 2 or 3 party system since the "revolutionaries" over-threw the dictator Porfirio Diaz between 1910 and 1917.  However, there was only one "ruling" party between the 1920s and 2000 when Vicente Fox of PAN (National Action Party) beat the candidate of PRI (Institutional Revolution Party; it's to say that they institutionalized the Revolution, as to say that, as long as you are a member of that party you are a perpetual participant in the Revolution, much like Communist Cubans are revolutionaries until death, even if they were born long after the Cuban Revolution; and the minute the Cuban government determines that you are not a Revolutionary, you became labelled a trader and placed in extreme risk of being punished for your political position, although it's possible or probably that you don't participate in any form of political activity; or that's the problem.  I didn't salute the flag of the United States of America as early as 5th or 6th grade.  Why not?  They should have put me on the firing line there and then...)  So, the minute Fox won the election, the world exclaimed that Mexico was a Democracy!  But, Mexicans always voted since they began the electoral process.  How do you know that Vicente Fox didn't win by electoral fraude just as all the PRIistas won for 78 years?  And how do you know that the PRIistas didn't just win because most of the poor and the working class voted PRI at the time?  Manuel Lopez Obredor claims that Felipe Calderon won by electoral fraude in 2006 and all signs show that Lopez Obredor was so much stronger in the polls and in the ballots than the other two candidates.  However, the U.S. can't have as a neighbor a semi-left of center President in "command".  The PRD (Revolutionary Democratic Party) is the third political party in Mexico and represents academics, intellectual, artistic and the more thoughtful sector of the Mexican population; at least that was the image in 2006 although the fear was that it was populist focussing solely on the rights of the extreme poor.  PAN represents the mid-sector businessman and PRI has always represented the working-class, campesino and those defending the traditional, Machista, status quo Mexico.  But what does this truly mean?  "In the name of..." many things, people change political parties.  Because Lopez Obrador supposedly promised $50USD per month to the campesinos, my father-in-law super staunch PRIista almost voted PRD.  Because my brother-in-law Gregorio was offered work by his former boss turned Municipal President, this staunch PRIista turned PAN...  Because many believed that PRI was weak and that PAN would create economic stability, many Priista voted PAN in 2006.  Now that with Felipe Calderon's 5 years in office Mexico, hasexperienced the Pig Flu fiasco and now so many years of fear brought on by "the War on Drugs", it is so prevalent to hear, "everything will change in 2012 when Peña Nieto wins the presidential election!", although to ward off fears by the Pentagon, he has claimed, "When I am in Los Pinos (Mexican equivalent of the White House) I will continue the pursuit of the Narcos..."  And if Marcel Ebrard (of French Mexican heritage, meaning much money) of PRD wins, we can expect a much better run country.  But he won't be allowed to win, since he is left of center and, even if he did win, there is no reason to believe that he will be able to overcome the long heritage of political corruption in Mexico.  PAN will put as candidate a woman and I imagine will win.  What does this mean to me?  I just wish people could "do the right thing."  But, knowing that the history of humans has it that it seems against the human political-economic nature of social systems, I just hope that it doesn't negatively affect us in ways that much more difficult for living healthfully....


I lost myself...  Somehow this has something to do with my friend Gerardo from the security forces of San Luis Potosi....

I also noticed that he doesn't offer ANY information about himself on Facebook other than being a fanatic of PAN and that his friends list was hidden.  You can see the conversations he has with his friends.  But you can't see who are his friends. 

Before fully absorbing the possible significance of his almost absolute privacy on Facebook, I sent him a long letter to which he didn't respond. The only messages he sent me were the Mexican equivalent of "What's Up Homey!", a form of appearing friendly and sociable in Mexican. 

The last time I saw him, I kiddingly said, "Poor Geraldo, you don't have any friends on Facebook" and he responded, "No, I have over 5,000 friends. But, they are hidden."  I said that I noticed that and was trying to see how I could hide my friends list, which he responded was easy... 

In any case, not long afterwards I removed him from my list of friends.  Not so surprisingly, this man with over 5,000 friends rapidly noticed that I wasn't on his list and invited me to be friends with him the following day.  I don't like ignoring people.  But, the invitation was without a note written by him and I promptly ignored him. 

Why do I write this? 

I will probably see Gerardo next August and will have to answer why I removed him from my list of friends.  My response will be, "For different reasons I tend to remove Mexicans from my friends list... one of them being due to lack of engaging me in conversations, lack of responding to "howdies", statements or questions...; they create the question in my mind, 'why do they want to be connected to my page in the first place?'"  But, the truth is regarding Gerardo, is that I can't know anything about him, and he can know so much about me. If he is connected in some form with political security, anything I say can be used against me.  In Mexico people disappear every minute.    

And you may ask, "then why do you say things that could be contraversial?"

At any given minute you can find yourself on the wrong side of the line.  At any given minute you can lose many friends due to shifts in their mental structure and forms of relating to the world and to themselves.  Life is increasingly controversial or maybe you just place yourself in an "apethic" inoffensive, non-conflictual position...  But, maybe you offend yourself in the process of numbing your mind or of nullifying yourself and your thoughts.  Maybe tomorrow you become offensive to new people you meet because you accustomed yourself to think about solely mundane things...  Today the game works for him; tomorrow he is labelled a "player" and superficial and insensitive.  I decided so long ago that I have only one society and one political position and that is that of Ross.  And thank god I struggled to learn to become true to myself, honest and sincere with others and to try to maintain a clear vision, physically and figuratively...  I accept that my position in the world is "odd", being that everyone must play someone's game.  I've never been able to adjust to clubs and political interest groups, religious communities (I almost said Religious Movements, but they are only movements if they are attempting to gain socio-political ground)... You say, "I am...." Fill in the blank such as "I am Democrat", "I am a Methodist", "I am feminist", "I am a true bastard!".  And I realize that I find myself saying "I am not..." I negate myself.  

But in studying my true Astrology and then studyind slightly my Numerology and then having my Aura read, I see a pattern in my spiritual reality or the reality about my personality is that I am invisible on this planet.  I studied my Astrology between 1998 and 2001.  Towards the end of 2002 a specialist in Numerology told me about myself so many things that parallel what my Astrology says about me and then last year, here in Guadalajara, a client of ours did photographic/computer readings of our Auras that said the same thing about me; that I will not become famous....  No, that's not what it said, but it's all the same.  I have 5 "planets" in Virgo, which is the sign of the virgin or of the hermit...  But, what it really means is that the person has tendencies to not participate in popular trends or events; they don't like to stain themselves with social or psychological dirt of others.  They don't play the game, since the game is inauthentic and shallow.  They would prefer to live in a tree than to live amongst the human race.  Well, I am also Gemini and can't live away from the action/stimulus/stories/learning experiences/people for such extended period of time.  But, Mexico bores me...  

YES I SAID IT!  Mexico bores me...  At least the social/artistic/intellectual options offered by Mexico.  As a hermit, Mexico is great.  Great climates, great geography, inexpensive.  Then again, for my hermit culinary needs, I would really appreciate the option to encounter Indian, Thai, Chinese, North African, Arabic ingredients...  I would love to find a good park within which I can run or hike...  I am 42-years-old.  I am Sysiphus trying to pick up speed as the damn giant round rock is about to catch up with me and turn me into a pancake...  Over-the-hill means that you can't drop 10 pounds in two weeks of running.  It means that you can't return to an illusion of youthfullness.  It does not mean that you are old.  It doesn't mean that you can't have a lot of energy.  But it means that you can't have the youthful energy of the past...  

Something I wrote about Gerardo earlier in the letter brings up the concern about why I believe that it's so important what you experienced in Colima; not so much on an international political level as it is important as a personal experience.  Why?  Because you and I come from a very protected, ignorant--naive, experiencially/politically isolated region of the world that has so much privilege and potential access to experience, education and information, yet for easily understood reasons, choses to wear blinders, style used for Horses that pull carts in the cities, so they won't be suddenly startled... 

I doubt I will see you and there is no risk in anything between now and if that day came when we actually did meet.  But, I may see Gerardo or people connected with him... 

I guess I'm still not being clear and you probably are saying, "But, Ross, you are missing a point..." 

The biggest risk created by a man writing a woman is that of injecting sexual commentary into the message.  The biggest problem I have had in Mexico is encountering people who enjoy conversation for that style of connecting with others.  Yes, we can talk about Soccer and what is said on the news and other traditional gossip.  But, we can't talk about more important things such as public health issues, and esoteric ideas, socio-political concerns, creativity/art/literature.  No one talks about the possibility of going to a state or national park for hiking (because that hardly exists in Mexico; you've gotta be a semi-wealthy tourist with money to pay eco-tourist guides for exploring mountains and woods here, with minimal risk of being assaulted). And, yes, I have stories about whole tourist groups being stripped of their clothing and other belongings and tied to trees in order to give the assailants time to escape.  And, no, they weren't beaten or raped or anything...  But, what if you aren't wearing anything below your clothing?!!!  How embarrassing!  How shameful!!!!  Who cares if they took your camera, watch, cell phone and wallet?:-)

As for the first line of the prior paragraph, this is an existential concern of mine.  Do you remember "When Harry Met Sally"?  Wonderful kosher deli on Delancy Street, the best hotdogs and you can't leave without eating a Pastrami Sandwich!  But how are you going to fit one of their wonderful hotdogs AND their super packed Pastrami on Rye sandwich?  Anya, a former girlfriend of mine in Brooklyn, double Taurus born in Kiev to a very stubborn and traditional Soviet trained classical Ukranian, Russian Jewish artist, claimed that men and women can't be friends and that good female friends cease being friends when they hook up with someone... Since the only truly valid relationship is that romantic one between a man and a woman...  Most of my friends between the almost 4 year Francesca relationship in high school and the end of the Joey relationship August 15th 2002 in Brooklyn were women.  But, when I decided to focus on my male friendships, I felt an incredible relief...  There is less stress.  There is a lightness; less risk.  "Political correctness" ruins the nature of human interaction.  And I am not talking about socially prescribed political correctness, but the concern that so and so cannot hear such and such in certain contexts because they will not understand...  

A man and a woman can have sex together, but they can't discuss the subject conversationally if it is not part of a co-ed group discussing or arguing and then be careful which side you find yourself addressing or criticizing and on what side you find yourself sitting...  But, truthfully, there is literature and are movies that only women will truly appreciate and there is literature and are movies that only men will appreciate and I'm not talking about trucks and barbie dolls...  

Eh!  Fuck me!  I'm Gemini and I cross the socio-political intellectual line after each line.  I can argue all sides.

In Mexico the foreignors should speak Spanish or they should return to their respective countries!  It's disrespect if you live in a foreign country, yet you believe that they should speak your language.  Now, why would you choose to live in a country you don't respect? In the U.S. immigrants should learn English.  The problem is that there are so many distinct immigrant communities throughout the history of the U.S. that, immersion within their very own language makes it very difficult to learn English...  There are various "American"-European communities in Mexico (Chapala, San Miguel de Allende, Oaxaca, Cancun, San Cristobol de Las Casas and Palenque Chiapas, Puerto Vallarta) where everyone speaks English.  I fled Oaxaca because I knew had I stayed there, I wouldn't have learned Spanish...  It's natural.  You learn the language if it's necessary and you don't learn it if it isn't necessary...  A Mexican working with Mexicans and Spanish speaking supervisors and living in Latino communities will not learn English...  16 years later he may return to Mexico and the only think he may say in English is "Jes" and "Thank Yous" and "wat ees your nam?" And, yes, there are many who had the fortune of working with purely "American" workers and who may have gone to night school for English as a second language and who may have been taken "under the wing" of a great boss....  But, usually those Mexicans don't return to Mexico.  And then there are those mixed up in the U.S. drug trade and who learn wonderful street English and will amaze you, since they speak with an L.A. or a Chicago accent...  Yes, you may ask, "how is it that a Mexican gang member, illegal alien, assassin, drug runner, gangland thug... becomes so fluent in English when so many others not mixed up in truly illegal lifestyles and employment and who may have community college level education and may be someone intellectual don't become fluent in English?"  

I guess one of the #1 requisites for creating a successful career in International drug trade, with Mexico being the #1 exporter and the U.S. being the #1 importer, is fluency in English.  Maybe they should explain that in Mexican high schools.  That way, Mexico has a sure bet at becoming a bi-lingual country.  Afterall, why should the street level dilinquents be the only ones becoming bi-lingual?  In Mexico the English language students don't learn English for the most part and don't practice it, due to a cultural conflict that exists within their minds;  "Learn English because it will help you with a career and because it will open doors to you...."  "But we don't like those pinches Gringos!  Why do I have to speak their language?  Isn't it enough that they call themselves Americans and call their country America when we are all Americans living in the Americas?"  

So, in all Spanish introductions of English language books, "American" is changed to North American, although Mexicans and Canadians are North Americans also.  "The President of North America, Barak Obama will meet with the President of The United States of Mexico, Felipe Calderon Hinojosa..."  What they don't understand is that there was only one "people" within one political system when Europeans first began calling the colonists "Americans" and before Mexico became the first Spanish territory to gain so-called independence from Spain after 1810, people from all around the world were calling those of the United States, "Americans."  Everyone else in the "new world" was slave, indigenous, conqueror, governor--overseer, rentee, soldier living and working under the king and queen of Spain...  If you were Inca or Chamula or Boriqua or Mexica or Purépecha or Totonaco or Huichol or Yaquis or Coras or Zapotecos or... who the hell cares if some European decided to name the vast lands below your feet America after the Italian explorer "Amerigo Vespucci"?  What you cared about is that they didn't rob your land or rape your women or kill your sons...  In the end, we are all "wrong".  In the end, if Mexico could become the next conqueror, exploiter, thief, abuser and lier, Mexicans will be happy as pie.  As they say, "The rewards go to the victor..." and all else is quickly forgotten.  And you must forget.  You must adapt.  You must accept.  Why?  Because that is the reality of human history and human life.  Oops, I entered into the realm of apathy otra vez...

But really, Mexico is highly anti-U.S. and anti-Europe, especially anti-Spain, not so anti-Germany (it was pro-Hitler although found itself pressured by the U.S. to join the side of the Allies... Then again, many "Americans" were pro-Hitler and spread his political propaganda through the U.S.).  But, I've never heard anyone argue that Catholocism is a European religion worshipping a Jew and that Spanish is a European language...  No one boycotts Coca-Cola, Pepsi-co/Frito Lay, the sale of pizza, the sale of hotdogs, fastfood enterprises (McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King, Dominos, Subway), Wallmart Stores, Ford, GMC, "American" clothing, "American" Movies, the proliferation of sleezy American pop songs and other American pop music of poor taste...  Probably the most popular "American" group in Mexico is "The Black Eyed Peas" (They love my lump, My lovely lady lump...)  Two of my sister-in-laws had an English exam.  But they never thought to practice with me.  The truth of the matter, is that they didn't learn one word of English.  But, one day, one of them asked me if I was listening to Justin Beiber when I was listening to music with earphones...  I looked at them as if they were crazy and noticed a certain expression on their faces and one of them said, "He's just so gorgeous!"  But they are the same people who will react poorly to a foreignor's accent and will say, "why would I want to learn English?"  To understand what the fuck little Beiber is singing, maybe?  To understand the lyrics of Emmenem or Metalica or The Black Eyed Peas or the Beatles or the Doors or Nirvana or the BeeGees or Michael Jackson or whatsherface from Canada who supposedly copied Alanis Morrisette or J Lo or Creedence Clearwater Revival or Britney Spears (All of the musicians named are commonly heard here. There are many more...)      

When I talk about existentialism I'm trying to address the essence of how we experience life, ourselves and others...  It's almost certain that my tone changes when writing to men than writing to women.  Dogs are extremely sociable animals, much like humans, and don't hide their genitals and appreciate their natural odors...  And there are so many instances here in Mexico when I compare men with street dogs. 

An Egyptian friend of mine suggested that we resolve a conflict created by some stupid things he said (It's common for him to say that I am the U.S. and he is Egypt and that's why we don't understand each other; although I've never decided that I am against Egypt or Arabs or their cultures...) and said, "kiss me on the mouth and forgive me."  When he realized that I was not in the humor for that statement, he said, "just on the cheek."  What he was trying to say and what he was trying to do, was bring to Mexico part of his culture that he so dearly misses here and also tell me that I am like a brother to him. Egyptian men kiss their brothers or close friends on the mouth.  They greet each other with a kiss on  both cheeks.  In fact, I imagine that they are more likely to kiss a man than they are likely to kiss a woman.  What is my issue?  I didn't grow up with men.  I didn't grew up kissing men on the cheek or on the head as probably occurs in certain semi-immigrant American families and probably could have occured in my family had my father not died so young. Am I homophobic?  No.  Do I wish that we didn't have that issue around the world?  Yes.  But will I kiss a man infront of Mexicans in this gossipy culture?  Absolutely not.  (Would I kiss a man in any other country or culture?  The only time I kissed a man was when my mother told me to kiss my Uncle Stan after visiting him in the hospital.  I imagine that he disliked the idea just as much as I...  But, I did it. And I hated that guy!)  What would happen if I kissed Mustafa on the mouth?  Nothing... if that was my culture...  What happens when American women kiss American women on the mouth?  Nothing.  It's not a sexual issue.  But so many people turn these things into sexual issues.  My friend Glen, who turned me onto Vegetarianism in 1990,  snuck up behind me while I was sitting on a hill in the courtyard of Raritan Valley Community College.  He grabbed my head and kissed me on the mouth and ran back to his girlfriend Krisi (later to become the mother of his two children) who was rolling down the other hill laughing. I looked at them and smiled foolishly at the craziness of the act and that I was so taken by surprise.  I wasn't angry. I never forget that because it has so much significance interconnected with our cultural/sexual issues.  It's a purely existential "problem" because it brings up concerns about immediate innate reactions and about truly what did the action mean...  But, in the end, it is only skin against skin and resides purely within a symbolic realm of existence.  And who are we?  What are we?  Are we purely symbols or small parts of a purely symbolic system?  Or are we more than that?

I prefer to think of myself as being more than that... 

So, what does it mean if I mention that, while having sex with my wife, I was thinking about a man tied to a tree and mutilated because he was running Heroin for the "wrong" cartel from Colima to Seattle IN 1996, because you had mentioned that is a part of your personal experience?

In the fairs I have a friend/aquaintance who calls himself/herself "La China"...  Mexico is surprisingly much more tolerant of male gays, transvesties, transexuals than is the U.S. although we all believe that Mexico is much more chauvanistic/machista than is the U.S.  La China is a man of undetectable age who makes for an absolutely wonderful middle-age Mexican woman of urban working-class communities... One day in May, I was walking down the street in Aguascalientes from the apartment to our stand that we were dissembling before returning to Veracruz and I heard someone yell, "Cappuchinos!"  I turned around and noticed China sitting on a stoop with a female friend of his/hers and we entered into a conversation about the risk and insecurity in Mexico and China asked about Margarita etc., absolutely no inflections as I've experienced from gay male friends from 1990 in R.V.C.C. until present time, which negates the possibility of an actual friendship.  In Mexico, it is normal to greet and say good-bye to someone of the opposite sex with a kiss on the cheek.  When I said "good-bye" to China, I almost kissed him/her on the cheek. But, I restrained myself.  It was something retained within my mind as an ignored impulse.  China wouldn't have known that I almost gave her a symbolic affirmation of his/her being.  Thinking about this while walking to the stand I saw it as a necessary sign of respect for China, but something that I couldn't have done out of concern for the risk of a super misinterpretation amongst my wife and her brothers.  Life is political.  Symbolism is dangerous.  Politics and symbolism ruin hundreds of millions of lives every year.  It's more important to be "politically correct" than it is to be loving, sincere, sensative, honest, natural, generous, helpful and caring. I don't believe in Love.  So, forget about the idea of being loving...  No, that's not true.  It's a changing perspective caused by the horrible abstractness of the concept of love confused with fantasies of love's concreteness...  

Does being "friends" with gays make me gay?  Logically, the answer is NO.  But one can be convicted by association... And, truthfully, I don't know if China is gay.  We've never talked about his sexual lifestyle.  How many cross-dressers are Heterosexual?  How many men seem so stereotypically gay and are pushing babies in strollers alongside their wives?  And why don't I know anything about China?  Is it possible that I don't allow myself to become friends with her...? I'm Gemini.  Today I say they are wierd and blatantly ignore them; tomorrow I'm in a playful theatrical mood and find them entertaining.  But, attractive? Sorry "Wong Fu" none of you pass enough for a woman that I would be interested.  Sorry Gay "friends" and there are gorgeous men, men who attract the attention of both men and women.  But, that doesn't mean that the cause a sexual desire. And, truthfully, I must say that I am overly aware of the appearance of a woman of women.  And I find myself staring at them, impressed by them, attracted to them, diverted by them, entertained by them.  It could be their natural beauty.  It could be their style or their character or energy, their movement.  It could be their style of clothing; the combinations, the way they paint their faces...  It could be that they are horribly obese or have strange eyes...  It could be that they are dressed horribly.... It could be that they look as if they just jumped off the cover Cosmopolitan or Vogue... or that they are almost naked or are almost showing off what isn't normally shown in public.  But, it would be horribly rare if I fantasized being with one of them...  But I do find myself overly distracted by the female person passing infront of me...  and much less distracted by a man who passes infront of me.  Maybe you don't understand what I am saying...  

I've never been sexually attracted to a man and I've never enjoyed being with a woman in a superficial way.  But a man can be gorgeous and I look at too many women..., although I know that there is nothing wrong with my observance.  You still don't understand.  If you don't look, if you don't think, then maybe you won't understand the difference.  And the truth is that what you consider the epitome of beauty today, tomorrow is valueless because you are with that person and, maybe you never saw their true beauty or maybe you were using someone else's standard of beauty and never truly formulated your own standard or maybe you just don't understand that fantasy has nothing to do with reality and reality becomes mundane...  So, you look at the stranger as a fantasy and you excite yourself in ways the real person ceases exciting you...  And in the end, it's truly not about sex; it's about the bond, security, sharing...  So, who the hell cares if two men or two women fall in love?  It's just very dangerous socio-politically and psychologically.  In the end, the sex is secondary, and the companionship is primary.  We all become ugly or unattractive.  Why she would want to be with me is beyond me.  I guess I should consider myself fortunate.  But the truth is we have very similar spirits, similar energies, similar needs...  We overcame much together; created miracles, have accomplished things together we wouldn't have accomplished alone; it almost killed me, but I continue.  That's why it's important that the mother doesn't say, "because of the attention needs of my son, I accept my negligence towards my husband and the possibility that our relationship will crumble."  It's unnecessary entropy, especially if you understand why the two of you created the child together.  I'm not against abortion.  But I am a strong advocate of marital responsibility, the development of healthy families...  I don't have children.  I won't have children.  I can't imagine being a father.  I didn't grow up with a father.  I also grew up in a disfunctional family with my widowed mother and two sisters.  But I do believe that couples can think better than they tend towards thinking and that the culture of divorce is an ignorant, shallow and lazy culture; people who grew up in the disposable culture of instant gratification and 150 channels...  That culture doesn't teach you to see and understand what it is infront of your face.  But, it takes two to make the relationship work.  Too bad you weren't thinking why you were with the other person and why maybe just why you weren't using your brain correctly before you got married to the other and then had children.  It doesn't matter what the other person did or does, you weren't using your head; foolish you and now look at the mess your part of the relationship created...  But back to the letter at hand...  

We have so many styles and are subject to change.  But one thing that is a constant is that you are a woman and I am a man and without ever opening my mouth we are at risk.  How is that not an existential concern?

You run into those concerns every day with your young son and those concerns will continue until you accept that he is his own person and that he must live his life regardless of whether or not you approve of his actions.  And the problem is that, for the most part, he will live the life of a man based upon what his society teaches him that it means to be a man.  But his society does not teach him to kiss his male friends on the cheek as would be the case in Turkey... to hold hands with his friends on the streets in Lebanon... 

And if you learn later on that your son is gay... 

Mexico was the first place I saw two dogs copilating and I saw it a few times.  In the U.S. you don't find stray dogs living freely in the streets.  We adopted a few back in 2007. 

The machos fight for access to the bitch and boy do they fight and they spend up to 72 hours pursuing the bitch who is just so involved within the act of being pursued and the males fight ferociously.  When one macho succeeds on connecting with the hembra (bitch) often other machos jump on the backs of their fellow competitor matchos...  What's happening here?  Why do some male prisoners rape other male prisoners or, develop less violent sexual relationships with other male prisoners.  Is the sexual need so great?  Or is it the need for feeling affection, connection and love?  I mean, we are talking about very macho, aggressive, violent males...

Existentialism.  What does it mean to be human?  What does it mean to be a male?  What does it mean to be a female?  What is your natural instinct, your inherent need or desire?

Who are you as a person?  Who are you as a political object or as a response to socio-political risk.  Afterall, we aren't who we are inherently.  We are a mix between our personal impulses to be and our reaction against those impulses as we judge ourselves in the eyes of our family/society. 

My mother always said, "Be sure to be wearing clean underwear in the case that you are in an accident and the paramedics must remove your clothing!"  Now, should that be understood literally or should I try to understand its subtle socio-political significance?

When I write about myself, I partially remove my clothing.  Sometimes I remove my skin.  Sometimes I open up my chest.  Sometimes I remove a plate in my cranium so you can see my mind.  I did it today.

I guess I must be some sort of exhibitionist.  Maybe I am a flasher on Broadway and 42nd street... 

One of the best expressionist painters from Austria, painted incredible nudes of emaciated women, some of them prostitutes, some of them lesbian prostitutes, some of them alongside the artist within a self-portrait of himself, showing his ematiated nude body, genitals and all...  Egon Schiele was brought into the Vienese artistic limelight by Gustav Klimpt.  At the age of 28 Egon died of the Spanish Flu that also killed his pregnant wife and his mentor Klimpt along with 20 million other Europeans in 1918... 

I wish I could be as openly expressive in my paintings and drawings as was Schiele.  But, something controls me. 

There's something crazy in Schiele's artistic style and subject matter...  But, is it as crazy as the human race denying the existence of the most basic human, animal, biological nature that, if denied 100%, would mean that we don't exist?  Deny sounds, movements, desires, smells.  Deny what is considered "dirty" but without this natural event, humans can't reproduce.  "Dirty is the menstrual cycle...  But, the funny thing is that it is a cycle of possible reproduction and cleansing...  What would happen if we didn't "defocate" and "urinate"?  We would poison ourselves and die.  But, those are taboo words, ideas and events... 

Sex that symbolizes a certain bond between two people, that can symbolize the ultimate act of love, that can bring new human life and symbolizes the beginning of the creation of families, that also is instinctual, that also is hedonistic that also is part of the natural, psychological, spiritual need for feeling connection and affection and love, that is also just a daily mundane act, that may only have a physical biological significance necessary for procreation that shouldn't be looked at as something personal and private, much like breasts are only for nourishing babies and have been "adulterated" (for lack of an adequate word quickly) exaggerated with their modern sexual symbolic significance.  Here in Mexico, many women breastfeed in public spaces, on the street.  They "whip out" their breast infront of their brothers, cousins, uncles, nephews, brother-in-laws, their father-in-laws, strangers, when they wouldn't remove their shirt infront of the men in any other situation...  The context changes with the baby?  The breast continues symbolizing a private sexual part, although its true function has absolutely nothing to do with sex...

Who has the problem here?  

10 comments:

Jenny said...

"At any given minute you can lose many friends due to shifts in their mental structure and forms of relating to the world and to themselves. Life is increasingly controversial or maybe you just place yourself in an "apethic" inoffensive, non-conflictual position... But, maybe you offend yourself in the process of numbing your mind or of nullifying yourself and your thoughts. Maybe tomorrow you become offensive to new people you meet because you accustomed yourself to think about solely mundane things..." This is so true, and I need to think about it this way because I have been virtually obsessed with why people I've gotten too close to too fast have kept unfriending me. I figured it was just my karma, that I'm stubbornly not learning something I'm supposed to be learning. But maybe it is that I shouldn't change myself for anyone. Maybe it is that simple. Well put, Ross.

Ross said...

I don't know if you see my response comment Jenny. I thought about responding to you on Facebook as I have in the past. As for well put... I think my writing is horrible, although the intention is good; the idea could be so much better put. And, yes, I thought about you and I thought about a friend who stopped talking to me in June... The truth is that you have absolutely no control over the internal changes, changing fears and changing needs, changing interpretations within the minds of others. But, the more intense, the more passionate, the more direct, the more complex a person you are, the more risk you run at feeling misunderstood, at feeling loss, at feeling isolated. But you are intelligent and conscientious and you will figure it out way before they do (I don't think they will figure it out, because it's probably not their route...) And for others reading this, Jenny is not the female friend who inspired this long convoluted and poorly written although well-intentioned letter...

Ross said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ross said...

I deleted the prior post because it was a duplicate... Nothing missed.

Jenny said...

This entry winds all over the place! It is funny, but I'm well known for declaring that my closest friends have all been men, usually other women's husbands. It is also true that most of my longtime male friends I've have at one time or another (before I was 19, that is) have slept with me. And other male friends I have not slept with have, at any rate, carried on flirtations with me. It is always the men, if anyone, who can't handle the "risk" and the symbolic implication, even when they know my husband does not care. I believe that many if not all of my male friendships are actually closer BECAUSE of the sexual undercurrent. There is a coziness, tenderness, and remembrance of things past in all my interactions with them. Unless they unfriend me first because they cannot handle the role confusion. About marriage--I'm not sure what the hell marriage is, especially after 28 years of monogamy. If sexual exclusivity isn't the basis of marriage, along with property rights, then why is it such a freakin' blow to the entire relationship if one partner makes love to someone else--say, a close friend? I mean, if we are going to deconstruct roles, then I think "spouse" has to be one of the most suspect. My husband quit being interested in making love with me soon after we married. Now it NEVER happens. Sex becomes this point of resentment--something he withholds until if he should want it, then his wanting it immediately turns ME off, which is to say, it becomes something I withhold. This is why, in the midst of my Buddhist conversion, I've decide to live contently without sex. For it has become a just another sociopolitical football via marriage, another perversion of natural here-and-now affection. And your friend Anya had it wrong. The closest relationship is NOT that between people "in love." "In love" is just "in obsession" and "in fantasy." The closest relationship on earth is that between freely present friend and freely present friend.

Jenny said...

Yeah, I see your response above. I'm going for a quick 30-minute workout at the gym, which is practically next door. Unfortunately, I have to work till bedtime. I'm very frustrated and blue over my work situation and feeling "stuck" there, but I'm not singing any blues most other people don't sing. I just wish work would back off so I could have more time for reading and writing and meditating!

Jenny said...

PS: I have been thinking about you even though I've been so absent. It truly is NOT because I've lost interest. It is just that I'm so flippin' overwhelmed lately with all that I have to do and with how emotionally draining and untenable my stupid job has become.

Ross said...

Well, if he doesn't care sexually for you for so many years, what does it matter if you are with someone else? I don't know if you were referring to your husband when you mentioned "it being a freekin' blow to the whole relationship..." if someone has extramarital affairs when the relationship hasn't had a sexual bond for almost 28 years. I guess there is a reason for your abstinence. I know some of your fears... The problem is that it's very complex Jenny, especially with a son and with the fact that you share the same house with your husband. You are also a very traditional person in a way... Maybe you subconsciously owe him your abstenance... As for "in-love"... It's what inspires one or two people to move into a crazy risk, more basically to marry and have children. But, it is no guarrantee of love, if there ever was, since "in-love" is generally based upon fantasy; a projection upon the other person who truly is an unknown. And when "you" finally approach truly knowing the other person, you become disillusioned, causing suffering for both and for possible children. So, it's best to try and put other people and oneself into perspective before making decisions very difficult or impossible to change or correct... We must live the best we can with the decisions we make with others...

Caucus Admin said...

Mr Ross. I too lived in Branchburg in the 80's and Cathy Bayer was one of my first girlfriend. I have often tried to get a hold of her. I would enjoy chatting with you.

JG

Ross said...

Hey JG, you and I didn't know each other? I'm going to write you on your blog, since I'm sure it's more likely you'll notice my response that way...

Ross