Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Accumulative Childhood Misfortune, AMI and a letter to my mother...

the accumulation of childhood misfortune also presents a lasting threat to cardiovascular conditions. Additive measures of childhood misfortune that capture child maltreatment, family structure, and the psychosocial environment have displayed a doseresponse effect: as the number of adversities a child experiences increases, so does the risk of heart disease and CVD risk factors

You found it strange that I found myself thinking about Todd Golub...  Don't you remember how he had the bullies and others call me "POOR BOY!" in 7th grade... When his mother Regina called to beg me to come to Todd's bar mitzvah (the 19th of June), he constantly got on the other phone and taunted me with his "POOR BOY" and the tone he used...  How could his mother have the nerve to continue asking me to attend the bar mitzvah.  Did she not have any idea how that chanting/taunting made me feel?  Why would I want to be next to that horrible person?  Do you not have any idea what it was like walking from one class to another hearing people call me poor boy?  I knew I was a poor boy...  He didn't have to say anything... For years I didn't want to bring friends to our house because we didn't have in the pantry what their parents had and I didn't have toys or games they had...  our furniture and carpets were horrible... And, no, I didn't blame you for that.  It was just a reality of the difference between how was our home and how was theirs.  And I also was greatly aware of the difference of having a living father and not having a living father...  Hank's parents were divorced.  But, there was money from his father.  He had his father visiting with him regularly...  And I know that this doesn't make much a difference in the end... No matter what I do, I will find myself HERE as I am, regardless of my intensions...  Yes, today is a bad day.  And no one can change it.  The damage was done.  And I'm not angry with you.  I don't believe you can escape the resentment...  I think it's something you must live with...  Everyone must take responsibility for why they receive certain slaps...  I won't lie to you.  I can't protect you from yourself.  I get tired and frustrated and I go away in order to be able to live the little I've created that's good in my life... to protect that from the negativity connected with others who, truthfully, never adequately helped construct my healthy life.  And then the heart attack...  And here we are.  communicating.  But, truthfully, I don't know how far this will go... I don't know if I will return to the health I knew of the past year...  I am almost certain I will be a certain form of geriatric at 46-years-old...  if they cause my liver to stop producing cholesterol...  That's what statins do; they destroy the liver enzymes responsible for producing cholesterol...

Did you go down the list of factors of childhood misfortune:

1) Death of Father
2) Female headed Family
3) Poor socio-economic Status
4)Childhood Abuse (uncle stan, Sheri, mother, peers)
5)Instable homelife
7)Disease (I was diagnosed at 12 and had my major surgery at 13)

Now, thinking about things you say the family believed or relatives said... What if this article was published in the 70s and you had Mary Beth and Henry read it...  What if you read it?  Wouldn't you all have approached me differently?

If these and other factors so greatly increase the risk of AMI, what other risks did they increase?  And I wouldn't be in a battle with "YOU" since at least 2006 and I wouldn't have found myself dedicating my damn blog to explanations in the hope of everyone suddenly understanding...  

But, now I had the heart attack (although healthy until Beth's birthday).  And now I stumbled across this article...  And now you and I are communicating.  And I know you worry about that day when I stop talking with you again.  Because it seems thats just the way I am.  Although I've ALWAYS warned or tried to explain why things were happening, giving the option of a different response...  But you are just a person... and you can only do so much or understand so much... and you have your own needs... AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST...

But, as you see, the past comes back to slap me in the face... to remind me that I can't escape it...  

It's funny, I'm a bastard... I was that way this time when your sister died... since I continued to ignore you and then I wrote very insensitive criticisms of you on my blog... and I could hear everyone calling me a bastard... You called me that when I was a small child... And, later on, when I became aware of the true significance of words, that it's true, I'm A BASTARD... and the study shows that that's where the AMI problems began; with my bastardome... with the death of my father...  and how that mother became when she became a young widow...  

What was life like as a BASTARD and a POOR BOY? 

I don't like going back there... But, we're trying so hard to understand the heart attack, since it makes so little sense within the circumstances... And now the article appeared

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