Milo born August 18th with ascendente en Virgo, like me, like Joey, like Margarita... like Michelle... studied theater... in what acting school in Manhattan, I don't know... I believe that's what brought him from Brookline to Brooklyn... and for some reason or another, I believe or have always believed that his theater studies figured so little in actually who he was... is... for me, what really drew me to Milo was his incredible musical talents, his figures, colors, tones in his pastels or drawings or paintings, for his children's stories, poems... a cross between Edgar Allen Poe and Dr. Seuss... I don't know if I remembered to mention to you in 2002 Philip Roth's book "Savage's Theater"... Did I mention it...? You must have read it... If not, aging=Alzheimers and makes all old new again... Phillip Roth, author of Portnoy's complaint... a wonderful revival of adolescent boy puberty experience that, with adulthood, causes the novel to become old... and redundant... and boring... But the description was more than entertaining... During our brief friendship in Brooklyn before leaving for Mexico, I didn't think about your acting school history... I didn't think much of your work for the Central Park marionette company or puppet company... I appreciated your passion for that art form.., and greatly appreciated the puppets you designed and constructed... But as you know, we knew each other too little time... spent too little time together... for that part of your life to become embedded within my psyche... and then it came out in this early morning's dream 14+ years later... During my 14 years here in Mexico, I've thought none of your theater experience, and briefly about your marrionette passion my first 4 years here in Mexico when someone opened up a Marionette school in the capital of Veracruz, Xalapa... and hoped you would come down and check that school out... for teaching... but you didn't come down... As for Michelle, who was born August 19th, I knew her as a writer, although unfortunately and due to my own egoism, I never knew her writing... so how was it that we were friends? How did we fill our time together? Where was my head? A few years back, noticing her appearance in NYC theater, I was surprised, since I didn't know that about her...
What does this mean for today?
The dream... The dream... She doesn't appear, although she is omnipresent, since the play or the performance art doesn't occur without her... We are associates... along with Milo... important figures... But, why me? Why am I there? acting, writing for the performance, actively orchestrating the project... not actually working below anyone... I'm not an actor... I don't need work for someone... I don't depend upon anyone... Although we are inter-related... Even if she doesn't respond verbally or physically, we are inter-related... something has us re-connecting, even if we aren't conscious of it... as in the dream... The dream is about something else... Something within which we continue performing... and maybe it has nothing to do with today... just as meeting you in the Park Slope Food Co-op a moment before meeting Scott's older sister Ally, had nothing to do with giving you a room in "my" apartment... it had to do with a crazy friendship... some "strange" need... need of whom?
What happened when you said to me off Bleeker Street (would you believe that I don't remember the names of the streets or the avenues or the cafes where we were?) that you and I should marry and have children, although they must be through artificial insemination... and how beautiful and offensive, obsurd was that comment... and maybe you blame me for reminding you of who you were... How about who I was... But, who we were is who we are, although we grow up, mature, improve upon our mistakes, evolve... we move on... but we don't truly move on... everything that we lived is part of us... and we carry it with us throughout life, if not throughout eternity... throughout lifetimes... Crunch and Arthur have difficulty seeing the non-predicador post-mother's-death Julia, post repeated rapes by her father as the same Julia, although less than a year later... As if the monumental changes in the 14-year-old's life make her a different person one month to the next... No, she's the same Julia with certain experiences that cause her to evolve and relate to herself differently... Not all of our potentials will be lived or enacted in this body, in this lifetime... "What you see is what you get"? Maybe a nice fantasy or illusion or delusion... Sometimes you get what you don't see and you are kept asking, questioning, spinning, reacting, rejecting... But, yes, that's what you get... And you get all of the history that caused the person to inter-relate with you as they did, do and will... Although, maybe they won't tell you how and why...
Michelle claimed that I was too honest for her... And now I wonder if she was being sarcastic... Or maybe that's what leads people to be actors, to not have to be themselves... not have to be always honest...
I can use the word "nigger" as long as I'm using it in historical or socio-anthropological context... James Baldwin can have a black father repeatedly rape his 14-year-old daughter because he is writing fiction... although if one wishes for it, they can question or criticize intent... or need... No tengo cojones... tendría miedo escribirlo... to describe in detail... Tengo una pintura de La Madre de la Tierra... The mother of the earth, pregnant with the Earth... and my "artistic" need was having her squatting about to give birth to her baby, the Earth... meaning that you would see her vagina... and I worried too much about the viewer... and the giant painting continues unfinished in my studio-bedroom... for years... Yes, it was intended as a gift for José Montaña and it turns out that the woman's face is very much like that of his youngest daughter's... and this would be hung in his staircase upward... But, it is what came out... Why? Because of his disrespect for his wife and his daughter... his machismo... his selfishness... His misunderstanding of the astrology of his wife and him... and due to that misunderstanding comes a decades-long struggle with his family and a denial of the importance of his relationship with his wife... It just so happens that his youngest daughter was born under the same sun sign as wife... And the mother of the earth has Mars in her hand is about to sling it at us... "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Is that true? Justifying the male position of conquerer of women and women having to stand beautiful and smiling no matter what the men do? Anya use to say that men can be ugly, but women can't... in fact, she use to say that around the world, women tend towards being attracted to ugly men and not beautiful men... And José Montaña justified his ugliness and obesity with what he believed to be true of the upper-class Indian men... Why can't everyone be beautiful? Or at least make that a goal... in some way? But, you've gotta turn that concept on its head...
What does this mean about Michelle? We say foolish things... we do things that maybe we regret later... But, they are part of us... and may actually have substantial significance... The relationship revolves around the events... maybe it evolves around those events... or maybe it just had to be as it was and we invent meanings related to those events...
Years ago I had a dream about you... I was still living in Xalapa at the time... and I realized why I shouldn't expect anything from you, why I should stop reaching out to you... an it wasn't about my being too honest or that you couldn't attend to things about yourself... When we care about others, when we truly care about them, we want to help them understand... And maybe we act foolishly... insist foolishly...
What I've learned over time is that you can't change ANYONE... If you are lucky, maybe you can inspire change... or imbed certain things within their psyche that will appear unknowling later on, helping them... Maybe that's the best you can expect... But, expecting that people will change because of you in the moment that you wish... expecting them to move within your timeline... Well, maybe we shouldn't wish for that... Maybe we should wish for them to be themselves... evolving naturally... discovering the world how they must discover it... regardless of our needs... that's what I did for myself... that's what I want for myself... I don't want someone who is me and not they... There was that Seinfeld episode in the 90s where he fell in-love with someone just like him, and then became bored... Yes, very cliché... simplistic... Nor must we be with opposites... Life doesn't work that we... As the saying goes "whatever it takes"... I recently wondered about V.C. Andrew's novels that began with "Thorns in the Attic" and about her need for writing about incest... and where she got that from... And briefly looked her up on Wikipedia... but no one mentioned the theme... "Whatever it takes"? How does that saying go, "It takes a ..." Only Spanish comes to mind... But, I hear my mother saying it... ¿"It takes a community?" And does that mean that within the community we must have fathers whom rape their children?...
And then I remember so many comments about "god" and "good" and "bad" and my belief that all was created by god and all is part of our necessary experience... all is good... even the most horrendous... And I started believing this worrying about the risk of being abducted here in Mexico and what "kidnappers" do to the abducted, even when they obtain what they sought... all of this occuring during the incredible rise in "drug" violence here since 2008... and my "visitors" or "interviewers" and my concerns... and wondering what I would do or how I would respond or resist during such an experience... And I realized that all forms of life and death are part of the necessary individual experience... they are spiritual experiences... I couldn't prevent my father from dying and what would occur afterwards... And I could spend my life chillando whining, complaining, saying woe is me... But, I must understand truly the sequence of events beginning with his sudden illness and death and what that says about my journey... how that informs me of my journey... what I must learn... and survive... and how... Julia was raped by her father... But she didn't live life as a victim, although it did inform her... it did shape her relationships with others and herself... and gave a certain base... and maybe helped her related to herself and others differently than had she not been repeatedly raped by her father...
Anya was the only person who ever said that she is glad that my father died... and she acknowledged being selfish... and having momentarily gained by my loss, believing that had I grown up with my father alive and as a successful and wealthy doctor, I w0uldn't have batted an eye at her... But, maybe there would have been something about me that would have drawn the spark for her... Maybe I could have been more the "man" for her...
But the truth is that whatever happened between Anya and I, regardless of my father's death, was besides the point... She was a lesson, a subway station, a catalyst for my meeting Margarita... I was given one of the talismen... one of the clues before she left for the Ukraine...
Michelle? Maybe I continue learning about myself through her... through the dreams...
And, yes, I have regrets my friend... Years ago, back in Brooklyn, I claimed that I didn't regret anything I did... I guess I was naive... although regretting only informs you... there isn't much you can do about the situation... Regret is about the past... There is n0thing you can do about... However, considering the past may help with understanding the present or moving towards the future... Yes, I regret my behaviors with you... although maybe that wouldn't have changed the situation... Afterall, you were in your very intense personal situation that had nothing to do with me and what I did... But, I still think I would have liked a different me within those situations... to have known more about you... about what were your true passions... not your pains... And, yes the trip to Connecticut, that I "blew"... But, maybe it wouldn't have been so easy for me to leave the U.S. for Mexico had I not frustrated you so... Of course, we know that that's besides the point... And, yes, this is a sort of a confession or an apology, although I know that we can't change the past... and my life is here, not there...
The writing is good... But, I didn't plan the dream... So, something else occurs... while we're sleeping and not worrying or planning...
Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.
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