and Michelle continues...

No it wasn't said in sarcasm...  it was based a true need for connection... her suggestion that one day we marry and have children together... which took me aback as much as Anya's comment that she was happy that my father died... In both occasions, I should feel flattered... But with Michelle, I was a slight bit confused... She knew that I had had an enfatuation with her... Afterall, she was beautiful... Although strangely or not so strangely, I never felt actual sexual attraction... It was an emotional thing... And, yes, a person can be absolutely physically beautiful without stimulating sexual attraction...  Or maybe I'm forgetting something... Or maybe I had protected myself against Michelle's vicissitudes... her disappearances... what?  dissociation... that's what... She disappeared... She needed the connection, but the connection scared her... at least one with a male... why?  Because of her father and her brother... what does that have to do with her and me?  You would have to ask her...

So she said that one day she and I would marry and have children together and when I asked her how (thinking that maybe she wasn't so certain about the truth about her lesbianism... I have my ideas that are counter to the safe and secure ideas, the convenient ideas that a sexuality is NOT learned but is genetic... not a decision, not based upon personal experience, socio-political events, traumas)...  Truthfully, I don't know what occurred in Michelle's household when she was a child, when her father was raping her brother... the opening conversation that morning sitting on my floor in my apartment on Seeley Street, when she didn't know that I had "foolishly" or not so foolishly aquiesced to Scott's pressure of not waiting for the following morning's interview with Michelle... which, of course I didn't wait for her and hated that...  But, later on I knew that Scott was correct, that that would have been a horrible mess with such wonderful potential... had I given the room to her... That morning sitting on my floor, Michelle spoke with me about the suicide of her brother and why... And I thought we had a wonderful bond and was sad to see her go... and wanted to pursue that bond... And, yes, the friendship lasted how many years until after I married Margarita... And Michelle ceased to "speak" with me...

So what was it?  Was it that I offended her in some way... Or that her fantasy with me had ended with my marrying Margarita?  Granted, it could be more than that...

The problem with sexual abuse, especially of children is that we are forced to not learn or are forced to misunderstand personal bounderies... to not understand limits... And I'm certain that I surpassed my limits with Michelle just as she surpassed her limits with me... The marriage comment a case in point... For her, it would allow her to experience motherhood, the fantasy of a stable household and the bond with a man... everything without the sexual responsibilities... as if that wasn't of importance for me... that that type of need wasn't a need of mine... that I didn't need "romantic" love... affection without sexual limits...

And that evening after Bleeker Street I became angry...  offended... Just as I had said to the Ukrainia woman who offered to pay me for marrying her, to have patience with the following 3 years of her so-called education visa... that some one would fall in-love with her, since she was attractive... That wasn't me... I didn't need to be chained to her or have those legal responsibilities... just for her damn needs... her urgency...  No... So, Michelle offered me marriage without anything romantic attached and I felt horribly defrauded...  disrespected... offended... That she would think that I didn't have the fantasy of meeting "that one"... Yes, men think of "that one" or "the right woman"...  or "their other half"... or their soulmate... Who knows?  Maybe Michelle was a soulmate... one that was incredibly confused by the pressures of her childhood traumas that culminated in the suicide of her brother...  But, I wasn't going to go there...

I imagine that I didn't ask her how we would raise our children... how we would explain to them about their mother's lesbian lovers and why their dad was romantically seeing women other than their mom... And would we bring those women home for sleep-over parties?  Think about it...

No, maybe I represent deep personal shame on behalf of Michelle... Maybe I let her down... Maybe I was an obstacle towards her complete image workover... Her interpersonal delusion... I called her on too many things...

And you may say after reading about all of the people who were in my life that I mixed with some really messed-up people... But, it wasn't Michelle's fault... Was it my fault for my father dying and what occurred in my household?  I was only 4.5-years-old...

And for your information, Michelle has struck slight success... You may have seen her somewhere off Broadway with her one woman show about Dora Maar... or this month in L.A... And I am very happy for her... However...

There are some important questions left hanging... And if it were up to her, she would leave them hanging... because of her incredible egoism...  And why care about an egoist?

I guess we don't truly choose who we care about... We don't actually create the bonds... So, the pain created isn't something that we wish for... It's something that comes with the relationship...

Don't misunderstand me... This isn't actual pain... Infact, it's kind of like a distant sadness...

And, no, I'm not innocent... Remember, the victims of child abuse aren't innocent... they lose their innocence too early... at least that's what the 20th Century and beyond idealists believe...

Look, if Michelle saw her father fucking her brother with that homeless teen he picked up on the street and they all were there in the same damn bedroom that Michelle's parents shared... since that is what she explained... and I asked, "where was the mother all of this time?  Truthfully, why wasn't she convicted alongside her husband...?"  No, I didn't ask Michelle that question... Too heavy... If Michelle knew about the incident... that the "adopted" teen shared her mother and father's bed for raping her brother all those months, then where the hell was her Mother?  Where was Michelle?

So, within such a household context, one must ask (or assume) how that informed Michelle about the possibilities of her future marriage with me... and the children we would have and raise together... but not concieved through an act of love... Granted, that is just a cliché... in certain forms...  Love is not limited to sexual intercourse or romance...  Then again, love is just an abstract concept that I doubt anyone truly understands, especially with the falling out of love...  the confusion about being "in-love" and what really is occurring there and when it ceases being "in-love" and love... But, for years you say "I love you"... and then you cease being able to or wanting to say that... And why want to say it in the first place?  

What was my connection with Michelle?  Could she have been the most important woman in my life that I would sacrifice my romantic needs... to throw away that possible future?  Was creating a family that important for me?  Maybe, if it was a romantic relationship, culminating in the ultimate product of love, which is the baby... if that is truly the ulimate product... Well, you know, my last surgery prevented me from being able to impregnate someone... But, I'm married to Margarita coming on 14 years now...  Did we need children for sanctifying or marriage, our bond?  Actually, I think it would have made things horribly difficult... something that I'm not prepared for...  and with my so-called heart attack exactly 2 years ago today...  the economic risk... and all of the other related risks... Maybe I would have had that heart attack, but fatal years earlier, had I had the added pressure, stress and responsibilities related with fatherhood...

No, being a parent isn't so important for me... I wonder how Michele dealt with that need... Maybe she doesn't declare herself Lesbian today... Who knows?  Maybe she's married and has her children... which would mean that she got what she wanted...  Or maybe she stumbled across this career change and realized that that was enough... that that filled her enough...  

Why so many questions about her lesbianism?

Because she wasn't always lesbian... And she even asked me why so many men were attracted to her if she's a lesbian... as if her sexuality would turn off their visual sexual receptors... As if they would cease seeing her physical attractiveness, her allure...  Or was she doubting her sexuality... throwing the ball in my hands... And what if I said something convincingly like, "well, I don't believe you're lesbian which is why I'm attracted to you..."???  Something I wouldn't have suggested...

The problem is her Leonine attraction towards the attracted, the limelight... The Leonine drive, need... need for approaval... Public approaval...?  Could the attracted become so powerful, important and alluring for her to ignore her sexual-political or psycho-sexual stance?  Would she lay with a director in Hollywood in order to get a role, as Mario Puzo describes of Hollywood...?  

Now, for a moment there, long before she found herself in the spotlight, she considered more basic needs, a more subtle life... of marrying me?  And then what would have happened if her route was to become a famous one-woman act?  Would she have pushed me aside...?

But she did push me aside... years ago... without explaining... 

And no, it's not such a big issue... since I don't think about it every day, or every month...  But I've never gotten it "off my chest"... written about it... I've always felt like the fool... And that is not a nice feeling... 

I think even the fools deserve an explanation... especially if the person had basically proposed marriage to them... a marriage that would have been incredibly difficult... a ton of sacrifices and explaining... to othera and to oneself... 

How does a heterosexual male marry a lesbian female and breed children with her without him being an incredible fool?  Or incredibly undesirable for others...?

Michele is a beautiful, strong, intelligent, hard working woman and a survivor...  Now in L.A. with her one-woman act...  She's an incredible survivor... And so am I...  All of the above...

I had to get this off my chest Michelle...  Thanks for finally inspiring me.