I had a friend... Her name was...

I had a friend...

I wasn't very smart...  In fact, I was probably pretty damn dumb...

Her name was... But it wasn't always... No, no...  not at all...  I was pretty damn foolish yes I was...  We met at the art students league... I was pretty sick... It all was just a coincidence... it was... yes it is...  a coincidence... Me, jabbering on... today... Yes.

I sighed and I sighed and with all of those sighs I couldn't blow her door down... so I left, sighing and walked all the way home... 

When I reached my apartment... the phone was ringing... was it 2am? We had work the following day... I had just spent the night sighing and sighing and wondering... But I picked up the phone... she said, "why don't you walk all the way back up the hill to my house?"

And I walked all the way up the hill to her house... Yes I did... 

She felt sorry for me... And I changed her name to Girl... Girl--Friend

Yesterday, walking the 7 kilometers home from the Metropolitan Park I noticed a female dog calmly waiting for someone to throw her a bone... we were walking by very quickly... But I still exclaimed upon seeing her... And I guess she noticed my energy as a dog respecter, admirer...

A few blocks down the avenue, she decided to walk alongside me... and I stretched my hand towards her head acknowledging her presence...  Everyone keeping their space...  I liked her... I usually do... especially the street dogs... She was pregnant and must feed her unborn babies... So, she took the chance of brisk walking with people who liked walking with her... And then I worried that she would walk with us all the way to our house and we wouldn't invite her in... and how sad that would be... for her... although I also knew that the street dogs sense the people and keep their distance... Many prefer freedom in the streets not having to answer to anyone (but her unborn puppies) over the horrible solitary confinement... of the 2 dogs that live on our patio, that the landpeople neglect... And she wonders why her Cocker Spaniel is more comfortable with me and sits at my feet and not hers...  Although, how funny if the landpeople came home to find a third female dog on their patio... and Margarita and I laughed in carcajadas to that idea... but never would we do that at the expense of a wonderful street dog... 

It was around 10pm. The three of us were walking swiftly...  I saw a very crowded taco stand a half-block down and suggested to Margarita that we do a B-line (whatever that is) directly to the stand... and Margarita suggested we not only pass the stand but we cross through the crowd of people (we weren't driving a car, so no one had to scatter, worried that we were trying to committ suicide by police bullet)...  It was a dirty taco stand... perfect for a homeless pregnant dog...  Someone, especially the Taquero (taco maker) would throw her a taco or two...  We were in agreement... Passing the stand, we crossed a man with a dog on a leash... He was walking towards the taco stand... And then we heard barking... I sadly liked the idea that she was barking at us because we had left her... But, I knew she was barking at the leashed dog, defending her momentary territory and occasional taco...

And what does this have to do with my friend named girl?

Fortunately for the pregnant street dog, she the dog didn't sigh, didn't have tears in her eyes... She didn't expect nothing from no one... Had no problem crossing the streets and the towns, passing from taco stand to taco stand... Not waiting too long, wasting her time and her health before deciding to try her luck at another one...

She didn't need anyone...  

I did... we all need someone in some form or another... However, sometimes we shouldn't be waiting for the other person to throw us a bone...  To call us and tell us to return... Maybe we should have always been just friends if that was actually possible...  And I shouldn't have changed her name... to girl...

The Mexican-American singer-composer Joan Sebastian has a very famous song called "Secreto de Amor" where he sings repeatedly that he's going to change her name...  "In front of the people, don't look at me, don't sigh, don't call me... we're just friends... I'm going to change your name, to guard the secret..."

But that's the question: could we have been just friends?  We can't know that...  There is only one road we travel, never a road not travelled, in counter to Robert Frost's belief...  Had we not met, I wouldn't have been shown the route to Mexico, through her friend from San Miguel de Allende...  

Although most people don't want to believe in their true importance or the true importance of the other, that we were truly important one for the other on this road we shared, the friend... lover... was part of a much greater picture...  

Today and yesterday and the weeks and months before that I've known that the 14 years that I outlive my father, that the friend had said she was happy died because it enabled me to notice her, are also the 14 years that I live in Mexico... the best 14 years of my life... The only truly wonderful years of my life...  That friend didn't know that I tried killing myself when she was away far away...  I was out for three days and then came to... Foolishness... of that foolish puppy...

14 years trying to live... living... living the best I've lived... accomplishing... accomplishing without titles naming me... like the title artist and what that actually defines... Here I'm not truly defined... 2 of those 14 years surviving cardiovascular disease in ways that the cardiologists don't accept... meaning that they would have killed me by now...  

Sigh?  Sigh for her?  Foolishness... Just because she was straight out of a Broadway dream of "Fiddler on the Roof", one of Tevka's beautiful daughters... And yes she was, although she didn't believe me... not that that was important... Puppy foolishness...  

No, don't believe I'm crazy, although I am... All the best ones are bit so... Aren't they?  And don't believe that you are so special... We are just one of almost 7 billion... Not all nearly as special as you... However, we shared something very important... So, I can't just let it go... I accept your silence... Your way of confronting pain and loss...  

I don't lose so much if I embrace the truth... And what I've written about you is the truth... and here I am, living my best years, although difficultly...  Life can't be as we would paint it or how we thought it should be painted for us... Life is how it is... and we must live it as it is, as we are...  regardless of how were were, may have been... perceptions of others... fantasies or illusions of ours... We're on a journey we must experience... 

Remember when you called me "Serial Monogamist"?  I believe you obtained that from Sex and the City...  And here I am married to Margarita coming upon 14 years... And I have you to thank...  Not sarcastically... Not snidely... But because your pushing me away from you pushed me towards that door I must encounter, the bus route...  Margarita... And it's not all about Margarita... She's here just as were you... We were supposed to do something together... And we are... for 14 years... You helped me reach those 14 years...  I would love for many more... But have many doubts...  And it's not about "beggars can't be chosers"... It's about what we are truly here to do... I have an idea...  and I believe that I'm coming to an end of that project... at least my participation in that project...  Not everything we do is for ourselves... Then again, I don't believe in "you only live one life"... And I guess that helps greatly...  

I'm crazy only because you're normal...  Normal is correct and crazy is incorrect... But what happens when you realize that all you believed was incorrect?  No, not all... but important major tenets?  So then, maybe you become the crazy one, and maybe I wasn't so crazy afterall...

Afterall, I was correct... I went in the correct direction... that wasn't normal... And did the right thing... and succeeded... 

I would like to call you friend... But I can't have everything...  I committed suicided and was reborn in Mexico... How can I expect to have both?  

Yes, just foolishness... Afterall, I was the one who sighed and sighed and sighed, until you called me back... In the end, it didn't work... Or didn't it?  real well...

If you look up the Aztec Hairless Dog, Sho-Ixcuintli... that's me... My Aztec spirit animal, or Aztec Astrological sign...  When you know them close, when you truly see them, you notice that you've found the most beautiful dog in the world... No joke...  But, you've gotta bypass your preconcieved ideas of beauty and your prejudice...