Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Letter to a former lover

Do you remember this song?  I think it was the song I most listened to the three months I lived in the studio in Brighton Beach. I love the song.  But one must decide when it's time to stop being the creep.  It's funny. Thom Yorke, the singer/song writer is incredibly beautiful; it shows in how he feels so deeply as expressed in his singing/performing style.  The question is, what is the good limit for feeling and remembering?  Joey called me one of those days in Brighton Beach.  I was up to my ears in "being left" and told her that I was planning on going on a long walk away from New York City and she said, "I'll miss you".  And she surprised me.  I didn't know she felt. And then I pushed her away as I pushed you away.  And then I went on my long walk without truly leaving anyone behind except for myself and my memories.  But, for some reason or another, the memories keep surfacing.  It's nice having memories.  It's also nice constructing the present.  I haven't been suicidal since you were in the Ukraine; just before Joey appeared as an intense aparition...  I truly believed that you were so beautiful and I was the creep.  And then I met Joey.  But the truth is that beauty is just an illusion or a fantasy or something you wear.  Like you said about the "beautiful people" in Williamsburg. I never accepted your statement.  But, it's true; one can change dramatically their level of beauty by changing their clothing and their hairstyle...  How is it that we can't fall in-love with that?  But, "in-love" is just a projection.  It's not real.  And, I guess love is just boring...  And true beauty...  Well it gets old.  What Joey and "had" was true beauty.  Because it got us somewhere.  I imagine it got her somewhere.  It got me on my long walk...  Don't misinterpret me just because I don't write well the truth of my experience.  The beauty isn't so much in the person as it is in the relationship (the connection) as it is in the chain of events leading you through life, from one experience or relationship to another.  You called me a "serial monogamist"...  Can you blame me for trying?  But you were wrong.  I wasn't a serial monogamist.  I just didn't believe in light superficial or shallow dating.  I wanted you to be "the one", but I couldn't make you what you couldn't be; nor could I make Joey what she wasn't; which was truly beautiful.  This serial monogamist is now married almost 9 years to a truly beautiful person within a relationship that improves everyday.  But why write you?  Because, I wouldn't have met Margarita had it not been for you.  I invite you to read my writings "The 3 Messengers, parts one through three."  

1 comment:

Jenny said...

"Thom Yorke, the singer/song writer is incredibly beautiful; it shows in how he feels so deeply as expressed in his singing/performing style."

This is a slippery entry in your journal. It seems to move between saying that beauty is illusory because shallow/superficial and saying that beauty is deep precisely because contingent, arising, aggragate. I know absolutely what you mean about Thom's beauty, all the more so since, just days ago, I stood just feet before him, in the flesh, and he was incredibly beautiful to me, in the same way that Marilyn Monroe was breathtakingly beautiful particularly when she wore no makeup, only a robe, and spoke with no affectation . . . as in one particular interview. Moreover, just as Edgar A. Poe wrote, "There is no beauty without some strangeness in the proportions," so, I would almost say, "There is no beauty without superficial ugliness," especially in men. My mother took Kerry's ticket to the Radiohead show in Atlanta, because Kerry could not go. Before the show, my mother was calling Thom a "beady-eyed little troll." After the show, he has transformed into "a lovable little pixie." I was once very in love with a boy, an alcoholic, who was superficially ugly to many of my friends, but who had these incredible long curls, deep wells of eyes, and indescribable grace of movement and dance. His surface ugliness intensified his beauty as felt experience. That is what Thom does, too. That is what all creeps do, ;)