Perpetual Novembers; Spring Eternal in my Mind; Late-Summer Labyrinths: Letter to a former lover

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Letter to a former lover

Do you remember this song? I think it was the song I most listened to the three months I lived in the studio in Brighton Beach. I love the song. But one must decide when it's time to stop being the creep. It's funny. Thom Yorke, the singer/song writer is incredibly beautiful; it shows in how he feels so deeply as expressed in his singing/performing style. The question is, what is the good limit for feeling and remembering? Joey called me one of those days in Brighton Beach. I was up to my ears in "being left" and told her that I was planning on going on a long walk away from New York City and she said, "I'll miss you". And she surprised me. I didn't know she felt. And then I pushed her away as I pushed you away. And then I went on my long walk without truly leaving anyone behind except for myself and my memories. But, for some reason or another, the memories keep surfacing. It's nice having memories. It's also nice constructing the present. I haven't been suicidal since you were in the Ukraine; just before Joey appeared as an intense aparition... I truly believed that you were so beautiful and I was the creep. And then I met Joey. But the truth is that beauty is just an illusion or a fantasy or something you wear. Like you said about the "beautiful people" in Williamsburg. I never accepted your statement. But, it's true; one can change dramatically their level of beauty by changing their clothing and their hairstyle... How is it that we can't fall in-love with that? But, "in-love" is just a projection. It's not real. And, I guess love is just boring... And true beauty... Well it gets old. What Joey and "had" was true beauty. Because it got us somewhere. I imagine it got her somewhere. It got me on my long walk... Don't misinterpret me just because I don't write well the truth of my experience. The beauty isn't so much in the person as it is in the relationship (the connection) as it is in the chain of events leading you through life, from one experience or relationship to another. You called me a "serial monogamist"... Can you blame me for trying? But you were wrong. I wasn't a serial monogamist. I just didn't believe in light superficial or shallow dating. I wanted you to be "the one", but I couldn't make you what you couldn't be; nor could I make Joey what she wasn't; which was truly beautiful. This serial monogamist is now married almost 9 years to a truly beautiful person within a relationship that improves everyday. But why write you? Because, I wouldn't have met Margarita had it not been for you. I invite you to read my writings "The 3 Messengers, parts one through three."

1 comment:

Jenny said...: "Thom Yorke, the singer/song writer is incredibly beautiful; it shows in how he feels so deeply as expressed in his singing/performing style."

This is a slippery entry in your journal. It seems to move between saying that beauty is illusory because shallow/superficial and saying that beauty is deep precisely because contingent, arising, aggragate. I know absolutely what you mean about Thom's beauty, all the more so since, just days ago, I stood just feet before him, in the flesh, and he was incredibly beautiful to me, in the same way that Marilyn Monroe was breathtakingly beautiful particularly when she wore no makeup, only a robe, and spoke with no affectation . . . as in one particular interview. Moreover, just as Edgar A. Poe wrote, "There is no beauty without some strangeness in the proportions," so, I would almost say, "There is no beauty without superficial ugliness," especially in men. My mother took Kerry's ticket to the Radiohead show in Atlanta, because Kerry could not go. Before the show, my mother was calling Thom a "beady-eyed little troll." After the show, he has transformed into "a lovable little pixie." I was once very in love with a boy, an alcoholic, who was superficially ugly to many of my friends, but who had these incredible long curls, deep wells of eyes, and indescribable grace of movement and dance. His surface ugliness intensified his beauty as felt experience. That is what Thom does, too. That is what all creeps do, ;); March 11, 2012 at 10:50 PM

Unfinished "Self-Portrait at 33"

Something I've dreamed of painting since just after my ultimate surgery in 2001. I post this now since I don't know if I will have the chance to work on it before going back on the road on Sunday... The problem is I've been sick for the past 5 days, painting this for the past week, a few hours per day. Whatever the sickness is, it isn't anything I've known and seemingly changes every day. In order to guarrantee my being well anough for the intense work for the following month, I may have to leave this hanging until I return at the end of August...

"La Sonrisa de Amarillo" (Amarillo's smile).

"La Sonrisa de Amarillo" (Amarillo's smile). José and Nicolas were commenting that I should sell the shirt I use for painting, since it is covered with paint. And then José said, "better yet, I'll give you one of my shirts to paint..." It was a joke. But I took it seriously. He has shirt he bought 4 years ago in Zacatecas with a copy of a painting of a bull in a bull fight. However, the print was erased from the shirt years ago. So, I decided to use the space that had the bull. "Amarillo" (Yellow) was the dog at my in-laws ranch when Margarita and I met. Due to a bad fight, he was left with one side of his mouth and one of his ears mangled, which gave him a permanent half snarl with one fang sticking out. He died years ago. But we often mention him...

New House/Studio Guadalajara

Over 20 years ago our friend José "Montaña" bought a parcel of land in the center of Guadalajara. His uncle who was a constructor/mason helped José build the brick house that has 6 bedrooms. Not long afterward, José entered into his older brother's Indian crafts importation business and decided to sell the crafts in fairs around Mexico. His brothers were one of the first people in Mexico City to enter into the Krishna movement that gave them certain perks. While José became vegetarian 4 years ago, sells the Indian furniture and crafts etc, has a giant shrine to Ganesh in his house and hosts the Mahareshi at least two times a year, José doesn't consider himself a Krishna. For at least 15 years José experienced extreme success in the fairs and was able to send his children to private English Language schools (his oldest son went to University in Texas and Married there),was able to visit with his children the U.S. and India and even bought the "castillo" (castle---an insider joke) next door. For years he used it as a store house and for a shop where Mary had workers fabricating crafts and Mexican/asian Indian style clothing. Then, about 4 years ago, Mexico entered into the international economic crises and José began losing money in the fairs. (I, on the other hand, have managed the situation and the coffee business well enough to be able to improve our economy over the past 2+ years, although this year we lost half our fairs (my decision not to enter into suddenly horribly violent zones where the people are fleeing and have fair to go out to the streets.) Out of desperation, José put the house he built on the market and moved his family into the "castillo"; his children were not happy. The "castillo" was built in the 19th century and has very high ceilings and wonderful giant windows and a terrace surrounding the second story kitchen. After a year on the market, One of José's Asian Indian suppliers bought the house and decided to put it on the market. A year ago, dreaming of having an artist studio/house in the center of Guadalajara with it's majestic tree-lined streets, I asked José to contact the Indian suppliers to see if they would sell the "guest house". José replied that he couldn't locate the Indians' representative in Guadalajara. And that ended that fantasy. However, a year later, upon returning to Guadalajara, Margarita called Mary who asked Margarita if we were in need of a house. We had just rented a house for 3 months (a house infested with cockaroaches). However, I had to see the house. The moment we set foot in the empty guest house without kitchen, bathroom, closets, I was hit with the return of the dream I left behind when we left Guadalajara last November. This time I could see all the projects we would begin over the next 10 years. So, we decided to rent the house and hoped that the 32 day fair in Guadalajara would be good for us; and it was. So, now we are "building" the kitchen, we bought a new refrigerator, are having a stainless steel restaurant sink fabricated for us, are looking for good furniture, looking into nice tiling and thinking about the future one more time.

"Hummingbird Goddess of the Mountain"/"Diosa Colibrí de la Montaña"

Crucified Pregnant Woman

(Unfinished Painting November/December 2010). This was the last painting I worked on before putting aside the painting and drawing for 6 months. I don't have any artist training. I haven't ever taken a painting or a drawing class. I don't know anything about anatomy and I have NEVER seen naked pregnant woman, let alone a naked pregnant woman on a cross. That created a hell of a headache working on perspective and shadowing... How does a head hang with the arms spread outwards to the side? My dilemma. After the fair of Tepic, I asked my friend José "Montaña" to take it with him to Guadalajara. Truthfully, it created so much stress that I really didn't want to see it. The problem is that we don't have a house of our own. I don't have a studio for storing my work and supplies...

Stream of Consciousness Drawing "Your Turned Back/The Cold Shoulder" July 11, 2011

In La Isla de Mexcaltitan, Nayarit

The story goes that the group of Mexica indians had a dream one night of the great city of Tenochtitlan they would construct 200 years later in the Valley of Mexico, now known as Mexico City that later on became known as the Aztec Empire. The dream was had on the Island of Mexcaltitan, Nayarit. Upon leaving his "home" on the edge of the river Antigua in Veracruz, Cortez journeyed to the center of what is now known as the Republic of Mexico and conquered the Aztecs, with the help of the Totonoco indians of the region known as Veracruz. Cortez destroy the Grand Tenochtitlan, probably the largest pre-hispanic city in the Americas and constructed churches and cathedrals where the ancient temples and pyramids had been...

Pico de Orizaba in the Morning

I took this photo during our Sunday morning walk. We found a wonderful route that circles Margarita's parents' house; great for a jogging route. When I've run in Mexico, Margarita was my running partner. Back in 2005, when we were running in the Lakes, there were many times when Margarita ran faster than I ran. But, I always passed her on the hills... The wonderful thing about this route is that it passes through the woods, coffee plantations and sugar cane fields; a lot of hills as you can see... So, we've decided that, if we have a strong finish of 2011, we'll buy land here and build a house.