Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Killing me softly with his song... killing me softly... with his song...

"I had the feeling that regardless what we did, the stents would fill up anyway.  But, what could I do?  This is what they taught us... It was the correct procedure...  Now to sweep it under the rug and continue on."

And what can you do?  You, the patient, are the only one who lives with your experience... No matter how well intentioned are the other people... the doctors, they'll never near understanding your concerns, what you are feeling...  how this affects your perspective on the future, your plans...

Some people think that it is as simple as saying, "relax, distract yourself... seek fun"...  

But, what they don't understand is that every step must be planned... so as not to make a mistep...  Plus, it is not only about what I feel, but about what Margarita feels...

Truthfully, I have no idea just how exhausted she is or how much she can take...  

For me, exercise was a great part of maintaining mental health, for preventing depression... for being positive... Afterall, my state of mind affects that of others and the reflection of how my state of mind affect others, affects me...  But, at this moment I'm concerned about increasing my heart rate...  

When I had my colon removed at the age of 13, I was participating in an event that was meant towards prolonging my life or ridding me of a very heavy experience...  

When I had my rectum removed and the part of my ileum turned into the J-Pouch, I was taking my future into my hands and preventing imminent death... in the words of the surgeon.

However, when I had the stents placed in my two heart arteries, I was only doing what supposedly was the only option... the only "logical" response... Later on I learned that maybe stent placement wasn't the only option, and may not have been the most helpful one... You can look at all of the scientific studies on bare metal stents and medicated stents and you'll realize that the mortality risk continues basically the same... if not increases...  Truthfully, regarding health and stent placement, there are no outcome studies to tell you if something was truly prevented or if quality of life changes for the patient...  But, we do know that the risk of death while having the stents in the coronary arteries is very high...

When I had my colon removed, Doctor Decosse told us that the rectal polyps would disappear and that we didn't have to worry anymore.  And we believed him... And we could rest and relax, although that wasn't in the least bit true.  However, when you have a heart attack, you cease being able live normally.  You can't remove the problem as they did with my colon or with my rectum or with appendix or as they wanted to do with my gallbladder... Once it's gone, no more worries...

The heart on the other hand must remain... So what do you do with it if it has problems?  What if one of those problems is a implanted "technology", a foreign object that hasn't been verified as truly helpful?  

And then I ask, "Isn't this besides the point?"

And I never manage to write successfully what was on my mind or what I was feeling that inspired me to write on the blog...  

I want to jump on the rowing machine, to do push-ups... But the events since Friday have me a bit frightened...  And, the cardiologist doesn't take any of this very seriously.  Or maybe that really isn't the case... Maybe the case is that he always was powerless to understand and change the situation.  He's "of service to..." but his services are limited to...  

A heart attack is the beginning of the end, even if the person may live for decades beyond the original event.  But, we'll always be wondering... worrying... when? 

But, if the arrythmias (palpitations/pauses) continue along with sensations of angina... ?  Constant reminders that at any moment...  Hoping that the "slip, sliding, away" isn't part of tonight's (last night's) experience... 

I don't cry... I felt the crying two days ago when José and Mary visited us... But I didn't...  Cry...  Why not?  I don't see how it will improve the situation...  We've gotta live with this anyway...  The countdown...  

How about if I ignore it all?  And return to my prior habits... What prior habits?  Exercising as intensely as I wish, drinking coffee...  It was one of things I enjoyed doing...  Truthfully, I like the ever evolving diet...  We've virtually removed all chicken and beef and have substituted it with fish... I'm glad to have changed my eating habits...  

But, maybe I should just let this thing kill me...  as it seems it wishes...  

The cardiologist won't ask for blood tests... He won't call me to ask when I'm coming back to his office... He didn't suggest any return time after seeing me in the hospital Sunday...  As Margarita said, "don't say anything about the exams or what you discovered... He won't be asking...  In fact, he's not thinking about you if you aren't communicating with him."  But, I still sent him the information and the lab results.  Why not?  Who does it hurt?

Did you know that mercury in fish increases cardiovascular risk?  Can you measure the amount of mercury in a filet of fish?  

Did you know that mercury in fish has no effect upon cardiovascular health?  So it doesn't matter how much mercury is in that filet of fish...

Two scientific studies on fish consumption and cardiovascular risk that contradict one another... And, I wonder, was the Harvard study biased by the Boston or New England fishing industry?  How can you know?  Just as how can you know just how many of the pharmaceutical studies are biased by the pharmaceautical industry?

And this doesn't matter now, since I have the pharmaceutical and medical technology industries permanently inserted within my heart...  So, I've just gotta accept it...  

Last night I spent the night practicing breathing exercises due to a reoccurance of arrythmias after taking the Effient...  Like yesterday morning, this morning I awakened with discomfort in my back behind my heart that radiates towards my left kidney... I also have discomfort in my left shoulder...  

I told my cardiologist about this yesterday morning... and he responded that it isn't a problem as long as I don't feel it in my jaw, as I had on the 12th of March...  

Is that correct?  Is that what the Mayo Clinic and the American Heart Association says about the various forms of angina?

But, I can't ask for a consult with the cardiologist every time I feel something worrisome, nor can I admit myself to a hospital... for "nothing"...  Which creates an incredible sense of helplessness... like saying, there approaches a heart attack or worse, (since Sunday and Monday's experiences were worse than the heart attack of March 12th.  Much worse...) and we're just gonna let it come... 

And maybe that's all we can do... So, maybe I should just jump on the rowing machine and row, row, row...  


No comments: