Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Confessions, trials and strange court settlements; the child incest victim steps down from witness stand and she walks away from history

No one wants to condemn themselves, no matter how guilty they feel about what they did to someone in the past...  Feeling guilty doesn't mean that they can't live with themselves and enjoy life and be successful.  But, maybe their conscience says to them, "had I not done this, or had we not done this, maybe he or she wouldn't have suffered so much, maybe they would have a much different success story..."  I worry that the person says, but there is nothing I can do... what was done was done... I can't change the trajectory... I'm sorry they feel as the feel, but what do we gain by my destroying what I have created for myself saying things that will not return the life potential of success for them.  We can't bring them back to early childhood and rebuild..."  

It's best to continue and leave the refugee formerly found caught in the crossfire of smart bombs and lazer-guided missiles, chemical warfare and foreign forces seeing infidels and terrorists in ever shadow and shadow of every first declared guilty innocent face...  leave that refugee sifting through the destruction of their homes and hospitals and local markets where they once encountered ingredients for buying and preparing nurturing meals for their loved ones, now only finding rats rumaging through long rotten food...  

But what would have happened had my mother said, look, Ross has a point... or get off his case and stop lauding me as being an incredible person and incredible survivor who did the best I could under the circumstances... the truth is looking back at things, I did a lot of things I really shouldn't have done, especially to Ross... Yes, I was more violent with Beth because her room was next to mine... But, Ross lost much more than any of us, even if I hadn't pushed him away and constantly belittled him and smacked down every fantasy of success he mentioned to me...  

My mother is a certified clinical social worker, meaning that she is trained to offer therapy to people with social problems, interpersonal problems, mental illness...  If anyone in my family should be sensitive to the risks of developmental problems/social issues caused by neglect, physical and emotional child abuse, that person should be my mother...  We're intelligent human beings, no Mom?  Intelligent enough to be able to add 1 + 1... if the 4.5-year-old boy suddenly loses his father and his mother pushes him away saying that she didn't want to fall into the risk of developing an incestuous relationship with that supposedly beloved son because that existed in her extended family and at the same time his Uncle Stan beats on him "in order to break his spirit" (THANKS SETH!") then the children in elementary school pick up on the psychological energy caused by those traumas and pick on him from the age of 8 until the age of 16 and the older sister and the older sister's male friends on the busstop corner in the mornings or the older sister and one of the male cousins or the older sister by herself in the house without the mother controlling the situation... wouldn't he develop in ways no one would wish? 

When the psychiatrist in White Plains NY told Marsha, your son will be in and out of hospitals all his life... way back when he was cutting himself in 10th grade or when Mary Beth told her, you're going to have to take care of Ross all your life.  Because?  Because he is uncurable?  A true fuck-up, someone who can't take care of himself, can't live independently...  (That was what my mother told me upon graduating Hampshire College)  You did it!  You showed them!  

I did what mom?  I showed who?  What do you mean?

And she explained to me that some people in the family told her that she would have to take care of me the rest of my life...  But, why didn't she tell the psychiatrist or the family members, Look, you've gotta understand, there is a missing piece Dr... people...  My son wasn't born defectively.  He wasn't a hyperactive, aggresive child.  And truthfully, he is inherently incredibly caring and concerned, especially for social justice.  You should see how he defended and protected Mrs. Hague's son when Ross's friends were picking on Jeffrey because he couldn't hit the ball and Ross said, lets go home Jeffrey, we don't need this... or how faithful he was to his friend Danny Stahl  top of the class school geek with thick glasses and who also didn't play sports or have the popular social skills for excelling amongst his peers...  He loves sports and what normal kids love.  But he's horribly depressed and angry and we've gotta look into what I did and what was done to him by others...  He lossed his father for GOD SAKE and I pushed him away and all the rest I did or didn't do or should have done...  I can't change that.  But we can give him the respect and consideration he deserves and possibly a different assessment... 

Have you ever heard the statement it's never too late?  

But I was 15-years-old when they threw me in the garbage for good... when my Uncle Henry stopped talking to me because I was acting out... and was causing additional problems for his sister. And some therapists say that cutting oneself or what seems like suicide attempts are cries for help.  Unlike Beth, who needed Doug to help her confront my mother's rigidness or lack of affection towards Beth (although my mother gives Beth and her children so so so much more) at the age of 43, I was confronting my mother throughout high school, seeking a dialogue between she and I so that we could reconstruct things... and she was responding sarcastically and with guilt trips I know!  I'm the worst mother.  I'm such a bad mother.  Such a horrible person.  I didn't play catch with you... Didn't give you birthday presents or birthday parties. Such a bitch.  I never did anything good for you Ross... wasn't with you in the hospital with you during your surgeries?  Didn't get you Ron Tindal, your big Brother; how Jealous Sheri and Beth were, you were so privileged, they weren't (I didn't have a father; they had their mother, didn't they? and why Beth bought her house next to Mom.  And Ron Tindal didn't replace my father visiting with me once every two weeks, nor did he replace my mother who intentionally pushed me away etc.)  send you to Rutgers Prep so you could get a more personalized education.  You should have me SHOT I was so horrible!  

It was through my desire for dialogue with my mother and understanding the situation directly connected with the urgency I felt for repairing the situation, especially since I knew there was a bunch of injustice in my history and I needed a retrial and a healthy council and healthy judge, although I knew inherently that I was innocent and this was actually a trial where I should find myself on the side of the plaintiff and not the defence, hoping that my mother would confess so that we could "start over again" everyone, it wasn't just about my mother and I.  It was about how the whole family related towards me... what led to my Aunt Esta's foolish comment in 2006 and my intense response... why I asked questions and made statements or complained or exploded when she responded sarcastically... How she knew how to derail the situation... expert button pusher... Sheri learned it... So did Beth...  How to manipulate...  

It was through my desire for creating a dialogue and understanding and healing the past that my mother told me about pushing me away when my father died... You think I invent this shit?  

But that's what they say to the female sex abuse victim, especially if it was child abuse, when she is on the stand accusing her father or her uncle or her brother or... that she is inventing stuff... It becomes her word against the whole family.  She ceases being the victim and suddenly find herself the guilty party, guilty of mental illness, seeing things, lying or inventing and lack of control, lack of ability towards adjusting within the greater society and maybe she should be institutionalized.  And don't you worry.  She will be institutionalized because her mental stability is in question after her personal security was repeatedly compromised and all of the people who should have come to her aid, placed her in the corner with the dunce cap and ostacized her...  So, maybe she will be better off closed in a room with white walls and 24 hour vigilance in the off case that she will hurt herself... No, no one harmed her.  Her mind harms her.  Isn't that the case?

But, what is the issue folks?  My mother won't confess her part of the history and no one else in the family will step forward and say 

I think Ross has a point and maybe we should read what he's written and consider his words... and maybe apologize sincerely...

Doug, don't believe I don't understand that and that I am rehashing because I haven't come to terms.  No, I live thousands of miles away from you guys and there is a reason I live so far away from you guys.  Everyone has showed me I have a reason for not wanting to be within reach of the family and why it is convenient for me living in Mexico and the difficulties of Margarita entering the U.S. with me...  

But, truthfully what am I doing here in Mexico 11 years? Living off mommy and daddy?  off the dole?  Am I not working?  Am I in a dysfunctional relationship/marriage.  11 years with my only wife and not anywhere near divorce.  Our economy is stable and something I created with my own mind and without advice or economic assistance from the family.  Not totally true.  Back in August 2007 I asked for a loan from my mother and Bruce and wouldn't have received that loan had I not promised to pay them 50% interest...  And when they visited in March, I paid for Margarita and my "bungalow" and insisted upon paying for half of the meals...  Why?  Because one gets tired of being treated like a leech (in my Aunt Esta's words) or a pariah...  But, also, one gets tired of feeling the pressure of having to show them that I am the engine that could  Had Beth followed through with her part 4 years ago, we would have put aside what we were doing and money meant for the future downpayment of a house and met her in Playa del Carmen near Cancun.  But, she suddenly stopped responding to my emails about my friend who lives in Playa del Carmen and works in sales of timeshares etc in resorts and needed to know the dates and how many people.  But, Beth never responded to my emails that began with her wanting me to meet her new boyfriend and the girls.. How is it that she forgot that conversation?  Or was it that it was enough for her mind or conscience just to say that she suggested the visit thinking I would reject her offer and when she realized that I took her seriously, she disappeared from the conversation, and I didn't talk with her for 4 years until she was diagnosed with rectal cancer?  Had I rejected her proposed visit she could say, 

Have the Jury note that I wanted to let past be past and he rejected the offer of peace."   

No, this isn't about childhood injustices, neglect and abuse... I'm not saying that I expect what I hoped for in the past.  No, these people will not do what Spike Lee says is "the right thing"...  I accept that.  And I accept that I moved on when I moved through Mexico with Margarita.  But there is this confusion about family responsibilities and the responsibilities of a son towards his becoming elderly mother and I entered the process of visiting the family with Margarita. Truly approaching that very intense situation that, truthfully, I never wanted to enter again without having encountered unrefuteable success that no one in the family can topple; I needed to arrive in New Jersey a superstar.  But, the truth of the matter is that to be their superstar, I would have to be someone else.  So, maybe it's best to put all of the cards on the table and end the situation once and for all.  I am me in Mexico with Margarita.  They can't take that away from me. 

I want to walk out on the trial I started and relax and enjoy my life;  A life I've never enjoyed with YOU. Why try creating that enjoyment with you after 40 years of never sharing enjoyment and health?

If our relationship was truly important to you, you would sincerely tell everyone involved and still living, Look, I have something to tell you about Ross regarding me... and if you still truly respect and revere me afterwards, I ask that of you towards Ross too...

But life isn't a Disney movie or a Hollywood happy ending.

There is a difference between what you see in the cinema and what was actually experienced in the real world. 

There is a great difference between fantasy and reality. While fantasizing of dreams coming true, reality repeatedly smacked me in the face.  And that reality is that you and I shouldn't share any form of space because our relationships can only be unhealthy, especially if everyone in the family puts more stake in protecting images through denile...  

Take care and relax.  It's all water under the bridge and then we die...

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